@OneFunnyMummy: I remember Daddy told me fairy tales can come true so any time an old lady offers me an apple or cookie I kill her and bury her in the woods
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@DanDoofus: Everyone complains about the weather but no one ever wants to sacrifice a virgin about it.
@MisterBombay: Before Twitter, I'd ignore dumb thoughts in my head like "How do Vampires buy pants if they can't look in a mirror?" Now, I tweet them
@sweet_pea707: Me: I'm feeling frisky yet stabby. Do you want to come over? Him:... Me: Good answer