I remember Daddy told me fairy tales can come true so any time an old lady offers me an apple or cookie I kill her and bury her in the woods
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Naming a dog after alcohol is cute until they run away and you scream their name until your neighbor brings you a bottle to shut you up.
My sister got that phone call from school that everyone fears… her kid has LICE, so she asked me what to do and I told her to pick up lots of wine because if she’s going to have lice then she might as well be drunk and have lice.
I was drinking water while laying down and missed my mouth. I get waterboarding now.
if you’re venting to someone and they say “idk I see both sides” you’re wrong
A good way to tell if an artistic idea is any good is to remember the most successful video game idea of all time is “a plumber steps on turtles” so who knows
My husband keeps nagging me to get my oil changed, which is ridiculous because I swear I just did that three thousand months ago.
date: so you work from home
long armed steve: technically yes
cat: *plays fiddle*
cow: *jumps over moon*
dishes: *run away*
farmer: *sets down bong*
my gf left me cuz I’m insecure
nvm she’s back she went pee
son: I don’t think he likes me
wife: your dad just has a hard time showing affection
me: [holding bag of doritos] GOD I LOVE DORITOS
I drink coffee because I don’t think I would do well going to prison for murder.
FYI to my fellow attorneys: If you ask someone if they can pass a drug test, and the person replies, “What KIND of drug test?”…the answer is NO, THAT PERSON CAN’T PASS A DRUG TEST.
CURRENT MOOD: righteously angry, but there’s a cat on my lap
There’s a state called, Ohio, but not a state called, Goodbio
Me: “I’d like to return this lube because it doesn’t work right”
Walmart associate: “Ma’am, that’s hand sanitizer”
Person behind me: “I’ll take it!”
Spring is the most depressing season because all the birds are getting laid and I’m not
If you’re pulled over, wait for the cop to lean down to your window, then use their vulnerability to give them a quick peck on the cheek
God gives everyone a hot cousin to test us.
Sometimes I remember the child who approached my counter in the video shop, fell over and disappeared from view, pulled himself back up and said “this cat food’s weighing me down, man” before proceeding to pull five tins of whiskas out of his pockets
Once I read this story abt a meth addict, she’d vacuum her whole house daily, even the walls, and that alone was enough to keep me off meth.
I’m a strong, independent woman who needs you to come kill this moth in the basement.
Get off of twitter and pay attention to me
Netflix, probably
Pretty sure the “FINISH HIM” guy from Mortal Kombat is giving relationship advice to every girl I date.
“You’ve got a friend in me.”
– Cannibals, probably
Just saw a fat woman lick icing off of her sleeve so that is the last time I eat in front of a mirror.
Last night I was walking Bizzy, and a friendly stranger asked how old she was. When I told him, he said: “She don’t walk like she’s 15 though!!!” I…I think he catcalled my dog?
I’m not saying I’m the best husband, but I did perfectly time placing my dirty dish in the sink just as my wife was finishing up washing the dishes.
(At My Funeral)
FRIEND: Of course he found a way to avoid paying me back my $20.
ME: *muted snickering from the casket*
Ray Rice. Michael Vick. And now Adrian Peterson. Congratulations, NFL. Your woman/children/animal abuse trifecta is officially complete.