@WilliamAder: I remember my first time at a mic. "Cleanup on aisle 5" & "Price check-Advil" were two early bits that really seemed to resonate with folks.
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@CocoJr: 2016: No way will Trump win the election 2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes 2018: No way we're doing what those Apes say
@TheBoydP: I sent a coworker a 15 page document as 15 one page PDF files rather than one 15 page PDF file. Passive-aggressive level achieved: Expert
@TwinSurvivalist: Dr: You're diabetic. Too much sugar and I'll have to amputate your legs. Me: *shoving Cinnabon in mouth* Can I get those cool blade ones?
@vineyille: I run up to the firefighter as he drags another charred body out of my burning home. “Did you see a zip disk labeled POEMS in there?”