I remember my first time at a mic. “Cleanup on aisle 5” & “Price check-Advil” were two early bits that really seemed to resonate with folks.
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The neighbors are angry, but I work during the day & I would like to know what time other than night do they expect me to complete the kind of blasting needed to begin the construction of my backyard hydroelectric dam?
My insurance agent just told me that I’m “high risk” to insure on account of me getting stuck in dryers on a regular basis
Technically, it’s only cannibalism if you eat the top half of the mermaid, your honour.
Spent 10mins fighting a spider last night before finding out it was a flake of cardboard
I’m fine
Teenage Jesus: Hey dad, why you wearing that crucifix?
God: It’s an idea I have for a public holiday.
TJ: Huh?
G: It’s complicated.
my feed is like:
ANIMAL CROSSING
eat the billionaires
we are all doomed
ANIMAL CROSSING
gummy bears singing ‘Someone Like You’
ANIMAL CROSSING
we are gonna die
ANIMAL CROSSING
*sharpening guillotines*
ANIMAL CROSSING
ANIMAL CROSSING
SOCIALISM NOW
ANIMAL CROSSING
Nude Descending a Staircase is both my favorite work of art and the most common entry on my criminal records.
A guy in the store on his cell said “Susan, I’m in my car on my way” so I yelled “NO HE’S NOT!” Because nobody lies to Susan in front of me.
How to Be a Librarian:
1. studySHHHHH
2. but iSHHHHH
3. eSHHHHHH
4.SHHHHH
SHHHHH
Maybe the Loch Ness Monster is really just giraffes that don’t want people to know they like to swim
YOU DON’T KNOW
“Invisible Woman” just followed me.
I did not see that coming.
the only difference between 15 year old me and current me is that if i fell off of a skateboard now i would die.
Is there a term for when you unlock your car but you get caught talking to a coworker in the parking lot and the car re-locks itself before you open the door but when you park at home and forget to lock it it stays unlocked?
giv a man a fish adn he’ll say “wat is this i ordered a mcflurry”
teach a man to fish adn he’ll say “how ar u the manager of this mcdonalds”
One of the kids has started shouting, “speak of the devil!” whenever I walk in the room
The cat puked all over the bath mat so I just tossed it into the trash can. Then I put the bath mat in the washer.
Area 8-Year-Old Formally Rescinds Hunger Complaint Following Mother’s Insulting Banana Offer
Irony:
My overweight dog can convince you she has completed 28 days on “Survivor” and NEEDS your sandwich just by staring at you.
And you believe her.
[Produce Aisle]
Sir, we’re going to have to ask you to leave.
*mouthful of like 20 grapes *
“That lady took one too!!”
If it says “typing” for more then 2 minutes… you’re gonna have a bad time.
This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve seen
two people or more is called a problem
It’s adorable how I write “beer” on my shopping list like I’d somehow forget.
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone might accidentally clean them?
That thing in video games where you have a great item so you hold onto it but never end up using it? Thats me with fruit.
(Age 22)
*chugs bottle of water*
Let’s shoot some more hoops!(Age 42)
*chugs bottle of water*
I gotta pee.
Amish murderers get the acoustic chair.
I just went grocery shopping so takeout it is.
Getting a snowstorm today. They said it would start around noon, it’s now 12:02, so already the meteorologists were wrong.
Rather than vote, let’s all fill out the 29 dimensions of what we want in a president and let eHarmony decide.