i remember one time i flew spirit and there was a medical emergency and the flight attendants asked if there was a doctor aboard and this old man woke up from his nap and said “ain’t no doctors flying spirit”
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I found a message in a bottle. It said: don’t pollute.
I’m most freaked when I take the dog out after dark and remember it’s stupid white girls like me that are killed first in horror movies.
I bought some milk over the weekend and also picked a new JavaScript framework to use.
At least one of these will be out of date before the week’s up.
I had children for two reasons; I wanted to start a loving family, and I needed a quick excuse to leave things.
Me: I think this is going pretty well.
Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’
Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm
[job interview]
“So why do you want to be a jeweler?”ME(thinking about using that eye thing to appraise chicken nuggets): I love rubies
“Hey girl wanna go out Saturday night?”
No thanks I have a previous engagement
“I’m cool with that, hell I’ve been married like 6 times”
I saw some martial arts guy on TV do one of those spinning kick things and, honestly, it looked pretty easy.
What I’m trying to say is I need an ambulance.
okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS
Me: I wish I had a nickname.
Coworker: You do.
Fish look like they’re constantly being surprised by something.
ME: I’m gonna kick the shit out of you
PATIENT: are you even a real proctologist
It’s weird how opposites attract, like red wine & a new shirt
2010’s:
Swallowing a Tide pod2020’s:
Swallowing an Air pod
“Where were you?”
“Working late.”
“Do you think I’m stupid?”
“Don’t be paranoid, Loretta.”
“Paranoid? Paranoid?!?”
“Just calm d-”
“GO LOOK IN THE MIRROR MARVIN.”
[being dragged out of a Spice Girls concert] AND SPORTY ISN’T AN ACTUAL SPICE EITHER
I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
If you ever light anything on fire accidentally, just tell people you’re boycotting something.
Damn, i got hit with the “we need to talk” from my wife. Thank God it was just about divorce. I was scared shitless it was an intervention.
boss: my secretary said you needed to see me urgently.
me confident I’ll get the raise I want because I found out his gamer tag: that’s right punished_gordon.
sure sex is great but have you ever pulled the pamphlet from a cassette/cd case and realized from the thickkkkkness you just scored the lyrics?
To be frank, I’ll need to commit an identity fraud.
*sees hot guy
*wiggles eyebrows
*licks lips
*winks, contact lens falls into coffee, sips coffee, gags on contact lens*mouths* “call me”
God: you’re a seabird.
Puffin: can I fly?
God: oh course you can fly you’re a bird aren’t you?
Puffin: oh good.
God: omg can you even imagine being a bird that can’t fly?
Puffin: I know right? lol.
Penguin: [under breath] don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry.
Aragorn: If I can protect you, I will. You have my sword
Legolas: And you have my bow
Gimli: and my axe
Steve: and my 439 Twitter followers
I hope it’s French Onion!
Internet Explorer: so about last night
Me: Oh, i used you for flash.
IE: Are we back together, am i your default?
Me: don’t make this weird
When people write to tell me I’m not good at comedy, I reply “Well you’re not good at fan mail” then we all laugh &they are proved wrong.
Mistakes can only be made by people who do something.
“I just bought a kitchen stove, but you know, you can never have too many of those. I should buy one for every room in the house.” -how Amazon believes people think