@omerwahaj: I remember the exact moment growing up when I came to know that a babysitter was not someone who sat on babies.
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@djdarrellripley: Him: I'd be happy to (using finger quotes) screen the applicants. Me: I'd be happy to (using finger quotes) testify in the harassment suit.
@SwedishCanary: I've requested to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti so that a future archeologist will have one awesome day at work.
@bumlaser: Attempted to have a bath. I am 6'2". The bathtub most certainly is not. I looked like a praying mantis trying to take a nap in an iPod dock.