I remember the exact moment growing up when I came to know that a babysitter was not someone who sat on babies.
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How funny!
After my second “oh shit that’s crazy” it’s time to wrap up your story.
Yesterday our neighborhood hairdresser was arrested for selling drugs. I was her customer for 10 years. I had no idea she was a hairdresser.
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now
Me *shuffles further behind cabinet* better?
Receptionist: Yes but shh he’s coming
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: [seeing myself living in the woods, consumed by my own fears, writing a surreal manifesto] in marketing
Get your kindergartener a watch so you know what time it is every minute you are together for at least a week please tell me it’s not longer than a week
[noir voice-over] I wasn’t a real man. Just three kids stacked on top of each other in a trenchcoat. She knew it, too. She also knew I was the only one who could solve her husband’s murder
The first person who started winking at others was probably the creepiest human ever.
friend: you’re not taking this chess game seriously
me: [pushing tiny horse down into my chocolate pudding] ARTAAAAX!
Parents *before their kids performance*: Here, snort these four lines of organic sugar
The 9th rule of fight club is no roller skates. honestly guys I don’t know why we keep having to say this.
*waits for a sign*
*dead bird falls from sky*
*waits for another, better sign*
it’s Thanksgiving day. i’m carving a turkey. “ahem” i hear from across the house. it’s my old violin instructor. i sigh and then pick up the turkey, put it under my chin and continue an elegant sawing motion. she nods with approval.
I’m like that guy at the beginning of infomercials that is unable to do simple shit, i just burns everything and i cant figure out blankets.
My toddler just spent five minutes explaining that he can’t use his imagination because he traded it to a kid at daycare for some fruit snacks. Ok, bro.
I’m really disappointed in Shaq for not having his own tequila called Shaquila.
after you pay a bill, the website is like “would you like to make another payment?” and it’s like? um no dude. no, i don’t want to do that. like sorry do you think we’re buddies? “hang out awhile, maybe pay another bill” no dude. we do NOT have that kinda relationship man sorry
CIVIL ENGINEER: ok let’s build stuff.
UNCIVIL ENGINEER: *smashes popsicle stick bridge*
My teen can’t seem to make her own bowl of cereal, but she can make a Tik Tok recipe with 17 ingredients.
ordered a few pizzas for dinner online, but i forgot to click the “later” setting, so now we’re having dinner at 1:50pm.
Just overheard the phrase, “pregnant with a baby,” and secretly wondered what the other options were
Me as a lawyer:
-my lord, my client doesn’t do jail
every time the weather starts to warm up those fraps start lookin goooood
My daughter is celebrating her 17th birthday with her friends at an Italian restaurant. My wife and I discussed what we did with our friends on our 17th and both stories involved alcohol, vomiting, fighting, the police, and drunk driving. I’m so glad my daughter is a square.
*singing* Got a feeling 22 is gonna be a good year
“Israeli scientists train goldfish to steer car”
If a huge bird swooped down and snatched my infant I’m not sure if I’d scream, “my god, my baby!” or “Honey, Honey, get the bird book!”
I completely forgot that the social media manager for Kitchen Nightmares has completely lost it.
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I switched the laundry over yet.
At what age do kids start sleeping in later than “why do you hate me” o’clock?
My brain: “safe place” or “safe spot”
My mouth: safe splot