I remember when all this was farmland!
*gestures toward internet*
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My kid just ended a call with his teacher by saying “this call has been going on a bit too long bye” and honestly, goals.
I had no intention of viewing your webinar until you used “and more” as a bullet point in your email and seduced me with the allure of intrigue and mystery
I don’t wanna last longer in bed, I got post coital jokes.
Went over todo list for fishing vaca, Noticed wife put “WTF” aside “B Plug”.
Had to explain, the “Boat Plug” keeps the water out of the boat
My youngest has been banging on about “prank week” and has been royally pranking us all day.
Little does she know, her father is the prank master
Both of them panicking now, the bonus is that their sadness has brought a hush into the house.
I’ve lost my sense of taste! Do I have the CODIV!! Oh, wait, this is a Coors Light.
I’ll be the one at the office Christmas party, waiting patiently near the exit, so I can be the second person to leave.
Apple Watches your money go into their pocket.
Don’t forget to wear your lip gloss so you can constantly pick hair out of it and any flying debris you may collect throughout the day.
My body is a temple, but it’s one of those temples in Thailand where they let monkeys shit all over the place
Remember when maths teachers said “you won’t have a calculator on you all the time when you’re older” well guess what, I do and I keep it in my pocket right next to my phone
[first date]
“What’s wrong?”
I don’t like the ambulance in this place
[sniggering] “You mean ambience”
[next table] NEE NAW NEE NAW WOOOOOO
Me: *Puts up fake Halloween cob webs*
Spider who just woke up from a night of drinking: What the f
I made the obviously poor decision to only eat half of my burrito and now the other half won’t stop staring at me
shout out to fantasy authors who give all their characters weird names except for, like, two who just have normal-ass names
it owns extremely to see The Eternal Zablaxas and Hellcleaver the Wicked turn to the protagonist and say “what do YOU think we should do, Dave?”
“If you could read my mind, love…”
– Gordon Lightfoot“Why the hell would think I’d want that for Christmas?!?”
– my wifeSame
Phones can’t detect my thumbprint. My career as a cat burglar is about to take off.
[spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is sentence
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
Moderator: your word is sentence
[Valentine’s Day]
me: *gets divorced*
[24 hours earlier]
me: *purchasing a heart-shaped potato* she’ll love this
My kid wants to make a trap to catch rabbits from our yard for pets. I believe in supportive parenting, so I told her if she can catch them she can keep them, and then I told my husband that if he helps her the rabbits will be the only ones getting frisky
Me: I got a job interview next week.
Wife: Great news. You should update your wardrobe.
Me: Okay.. *to the wardrobe* I got a job interview next week.
[kissing every meatball before loading it onto sub]
subway employee: I’m pretty sure you’re not supposed to do that
me: oh i don’t work here
ZOMBIE 1: why do we eat brains?
ZOMBIE 2: because. It’s food for thought! haha
ZOMBIE 1: [sigh]
That fish is too small and that fish is too big but that fish is justtttt right
-Goldilocks on Tinder
It’s amazing how people will leave you alone if you just commit to faking a British accent all day
Me: You want some cereal?
2 year-old: Yay cereal!
Me: Want some Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
2: Yay cinnamon crack!
Me: Ok-wait, what??
When a proctologist fixes a problem, do they say it’s been rectified?
Dads are required to say PARDON ME when there’s a loud thunderclap
[sees co-worker the next day after failing to kill him on purge night] mondays am i right?
I bet if Jesus had turned water into Vodka. The Bible would’ve been a lot more interesting.