ad for jk rowling’s fantastic beasts and where to find them:
wat if harry poter was pokemon
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My roomba on charge after cleaning up after 2 kids and 2 dogs.
Quarantine log, Day 8:
Cat: I need you to run to the store for me.
Me: What for? You have plenty of food.
Cat: I got into the treats last night. I’m almost out.
Me:
Me: You can talk!
Do you hold your breath when people on TV are underwater or are you normal?
Based on the number of AVI pics taken in your cars, I’m guessing that quite a few of you girls are on the run
There’s a disturbance in the coffee.
Don’t flatter yourself lady, I wasn’t winking at you. I was winking at that biscuit you’re eating.
The movie Speed, except this bus driver apparently thinks we’ll blow up if he goes over 15 mph.
It’s ok, stock market. I’m steadily declining every day too.
Woman: Does Viagra work?
Pharmacist: Yes
Woman: Can you get it over the counter?
Pharmacist: Yes if I take two!
Oh boy, $150,000!
[at a chemistry convention]
Him: “You’re so-dium cute, but are you always this salty?”
Me: “Na, not always. Just periodically.”
girlfriend: I’m sick of you having no sense of direction
me: where did that come from
A good response to any question is “what do you plan to do with this information”, especially at a McDonald’s drive-through
a former teacher who loved saying “lack of planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on mine” just reached out to me about getting comp tickets to a show of mine because she didn’t realize it would sell out.
wellllllllllllllllllllll well well well WELL.
Ever notice how drunken late night snacks are the most creative? Long story short, last night’s Kung Pao Cheerios were rather tasty.
Psychology majors be like damn I can’t even be mad at you bc I know why you reacted the way you did
A car with a car rack looked like a police car, so I slowed down, only to realize I had been tricked into obeying the law FOR NO REASON.
Bringing back the word zoinks but only for when someone shows me their baby.
I confessed to my 14 year old that for the last 3 months I’ve been putting supermarket own ketchup in a Heinz ketchup bottle and he’s been happily eating it without noticing. Shit is going to go down.
Kids these days can’t do shit without #Google. When I was a kid I didn’t have Google. So, I pretty much couldn’t do shit.
Today was an exception because the bacon grease splattered me in the eye while I was frying, so naturally I had to eat more bacon than usual because vengeance. But yes, I generally stop at a pound per meal.
[McDonalds drive thru]
toddler [possibly drunk] ASK IF THEY HAVE POP TARTS
Someone called me fat and I’m like first of all, if I didn’t want my pizza getting cold, I would so fight you right now.
Why is it cute when a baby falls asleep clutching a bottle and when I do it it’s “worrisome”?
Holy moly
pacific rim takes place in 2020 and the kaiju haven’t emerged yet. but seeing how this year is going, we should be prepared.
*out for dinner with friends*
Me: I’m going to need 5 desserts and 1 spoon.
Waiter: Don’t you mean 1 dessert and 5 spoons?
Me: You heard me.
English is kinda weird but I’m so glad it isn’t a gendered language. It is none of my business what gender bread identifies as.
This hand cream is expired, but it tastes completely fine.
am i feeling hopeful about the future?