911: What’s your emergency?
Me: I brought a girl home last night
911: That’s not an-
Me: NOW SHE WON’T LEAVE!
*swat team busts down my door*
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Waiter: Any questions about the menu?
Me: Exactly how old are these ancient grains? I don’t want to eat anything that’s expired.
-On second thought, this is a terrible waste of trees
-I love how you care for the planet honey, but just bring me the toilet paper already
Mugger *shows knife*
Crocodile Dundee “No this is a knife”
*pulls out huge knife*
Alanis Morrisette “Hang on”
*sifts through 10,000 spoons*
Coughed up a pawn. Then a bishop.
Damn chess infection 😕
DOCTOR: when was the last time you exercised?
ME: *thinking about holding the thermometer under my tongue* dude you were there
ME: Hey, what are you building?
PAL: A new kitchen counter
ME: That seems…
PAL: Please don’t
ME: …counterproductive
I accidentally used my wife’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here. Jk she called John Wick
*spins in chair* Ah, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expect- *cat sitting in my lap freaks out and scratches the shit out of me*
Nothing like the dreaded “Mom I missed the bus” text to get you up and moving.
the first person to see a peacock spread his tail probably had a heart attack
“When does he start playing the mandolin?”
– me, watching The Mandalorian
Him: Your profile said you were Catholic.
Her: *apartment filled with cats* Maybe you read it too fast.
Watermelons are just overweight diabetic cucumbers
Thoughts while driving:
-Hope that light stays green.
-Hope it stays yellow.
-Hope no one saw me run that red light.
If I’m gonna pay $300 for a name brand purse it better come with a mini fridge, steaks, and a new tv
Carl: Gonna be a hot one today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: Male ostriches can roar like lions.
Me: Fair enough, Carl.
Well, that should do it
Bike for sale
I wonder who the sorting hat will choose as the new Pope.
You know who else doesn’t leave another man’s girlfriend alone?
Mosquitos
Is there any rejection more humiliating than when you try to tickle someone and it doesn’t work
Autoerotic asphyxiation? No thanks, I’m not much of a car guy.
So when a bear steals a picnic basket it’s “endearing” and “funny” but when I do it it’s “rude” and “unsanitary”
9y/o~poking finger on my face.
Me(yelling)~dont touch me with your finger
Later~glad he got loophole now what to do with a foot on my face
Are we still sending rich dudes to space cause I just got a 2 dollar bill in the mail from GramGram and this shining star is ready to rocket
Me: [Alone in our kitchen making a sandwich]
My teeanager: Why are you trying to embarrass me?
GOD- “I will send a plague that will kill all living things on earth”
*Fish slip the LORD a $20*
“On second thought how about a flood?”
waiter: how are your finger sandwiches, sir?
hannibal lector: *sighs* disappointing
Who called it the milk crate challenge and not broke back mountain