I remember when peer pressure was all about drugs and promiscuous sex.
Now it’s Fitbit and who has the best gluten free recipes.
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-Why do you carry that lazy dog on your shoulders, he can walk
-Mind your business
-Looks like dog actually wants to get down
-I forgot my coat, okay?
Thanks for nothing autocorrect, I’m never gonna get chicks being a “homeless romantic”.
[presenting my dissertation] Tom has been chasing Jerry for years, but all he gets if he catches him is a light snack. The time investment isn’t worth the reward. Tom is therefore a victim of the sunk cost fallacy. Next slide please,
It’s settled. I’m measuring everything in comparison to the size of an American alligator.
My birthstone is a sushi roll.
I just cleaned out my purse. So, I’ll be having a garage sale later this afternoon.
as a job-stealing immigrant, I now have 36 jobs and counting. I keep them in my basement like some kind of job dragon. what u gonna do?
all you need for a winnie the pooh costume is a red tshirt and courage
My wife says “Don’t walk away when I’m talking to you” when 1. she’s not talking, she’s yelling, and 2. I’m not walking away, I’m retreating
When zombies find campers in sleeping bags, I bet they think “mmm, people burritos.”
When someone says you are so lazy
Gave myself a steam facial* today
*opened a bag of freshly popped popcorn too close to my face
My pants embarrassed me in front of a chick again. How many times must I tell them that it’s rude to point???
Low fat tortilla chips and lite salsa?
That’s not what was meant by the words “skinny dipping.”
I’m feeling very anxious i think this 7th mug of coffee will take the edge off
Instead of taking melatonin just pay me to come to your home each night and I’ll tell you about my accounting job
Sperm 1: “Geez I’m exhausted, how much further to the Fallopian tubes?”
Sperm 2: “A long way, we’ve just passed the tonsils…”
Parents are like “You left a gently used paper towel in your room over christmas. Do you need that? Want me to mail it?”
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
As a dad to two toddlers the majority of my diet is various berries I find on the ground. I’m basically a deer.
I can help anyone quit smoking by spraying them with hair spray as they light their cigarette.
I hate it when all of North America tells me I exaggerate
One of the moms at school pickup always yells “hi, chicken nugget” to her kid, and that’s a level of parental embarrassment I can only aspire to
snack time! which shapeless, wiggly treat would you rather?
Me: Mom’s recovery from from hip replacement is going well. She’s getting smurfy on her feet.
Friend: LOL! Smurfy? You mean sturdy, right?
Me: The big white shoes and blue legs are a bit weird but she’s adapting.
I started working for a paycheck 30 years ago last month & my jaw has been clenched ever since.
Being an adult is mostly just wondering if the stuff in the dishwasher is dirty or clean while eating soup out of a sand castle bucket.
Daddy, where do oranges come from?
Well son, when a red and a yellow really love each other…
5 is threatening Siri that he’s gonna turn off the iPad bc she’s not doing what he wants