I remember when people had the common decency to not look at you while you’re staring at them.
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*slips seductively out of shorts*
You know what that means…
*sleeps soundly for 7 hours*
*drools a little*
For the low, low price of a $25 donation, you too can be totally annoyed by me for several days until you pay another $25 for me to shut up.
Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do u really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to optimize SEO for a mid level online publication? No. It was to ride a pony on a space rainbow. Grow up.
A toddler will look you dead in the eye and ask you if it’s Christmas soon when Christmas was yesterday
Drive thru window one: “Can I have a name for your order?”
Me: “Free.”
Drive thru window two: “I have an order for Free.”
Me: “Thanks!”
*drives away quickly*
DATE: this bread is dry. you should talk to the manager
ME: ok *waves over manager*
MANAGER: can I help you?
ME: tell her to shut up about the bread
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
[inventing potato chips]
CEO: they’re so fragile, how will they be packaged?
Inventor: in a sturdy box
CEO: nah, let’s go with a bag
Inventor: but they’ll get crushed!
CEO: fill the bag with air
Inventor:
CEO: really strong air
Husband: I almost ate an entire pan of Rice Krispies treats.
Me: Almost? Quitter.
Spending all my money on lottery tickets so I’ll either be rich or poor, none of this wishy-washy stuff in the middle
Me growing up in the countryside with a car: “it’s literally insane that I have to drive 20 minutes to see a friend. I can’t wait to move to a city”
Me in a city: “okay, 78 minutes on three trains to see someone who lives 6 miles away, that seems fine”
How’s my day going?
If I was Daffy Duck I would of lost my beak already.
Thinking about the time I told my husband, “I kinda wanna domesticate a raccoon” and he sincerely sighed and said, “I know, I worry about that”
who’s ready for the long weeknd?
I have been lowering the tone for so long now that I am effectively operating solely in infrasound frequencies which can only be heard by whales.
And they are appalled.
The 6 or so days between Christmas and New Year’s is truly No Man’s Land. Like am I supposed to sleep all day? Get my life together? Spend the entire day watching TikToks? Hang out with my parents? Are we in 2019 or 2020? What do I eat besides Christmas cookies?
Somebody accused me of getting by on my looks today and I am going to ride this wave till the shore break pummels me on the sand.
son you’re getting older and one way I show my trust in you is letting you tackle some tough jobs on your own;
bathing the cat for starters
Covid has totally eradicated the handshake. And also the joy I used to get from shaking someone’s hand, apologising that mine is covered in sweat and then reassuring them that it’s not my own sweat
me: [walking into high school reunion] this is going to be a nightmare
principal: where’s your pants?
Clark Kent: How’s your lunch?
Bruce Wayne: This soup is great.
CK: don’t
BW: You could even say
CK: please don’t
BW: It’s Souper, man
We should have 12 presidents, one from every zodiac sign
If you didn’t set the town on fire while covered in pigs blood, did you even go to prom?
The outskirts implies the existence of the inpants.
I imagine the hardest part about being vegan is getting up before sunrise to milk all of those almonds.
I learned today the the gender neutral version of Sugar Daddy is Glucose Guardian and I support that
Every millennial is obsessed with We Bought a Zoo because the idea of being able to buy any property at all is insane to us.
someone tried formatting these windows in a Word doc
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away
You are my people