I remember when the History Channel actually played MUSIC!
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CULT LEADER: join our cult
ME: no thanks
CULT LEADER: we believe Air Bud was a documentary
ME: I’m listening
Which is faster, hot or cold?
Hot, because you can catch a cold.
My parents encouraged our interest in the performing arts by telling my sister and me to act like we had some sense when we were in public.
Athena: Hey if someone were to hypothetically curse you and turn your hair into your greatest fear what would it be
Medusa: probably snakes I’ve always hated them
Athena: interesting
Medusa: why
Athena:
Medusa: *nervous sweating* Athena why would you ask me that
Whenever I type ‘drink’, autocorrect changes it to ‘drunk’. It’s like it can predict my future.
[2000]
Satan: I need a new idea on how to mess with people
Henchman 1: New STD?
S: No
H2: Incurable virus?
S: No
H3: A cameraphone
S: Nice
(pointing at TV) That’s Homer, he’s sort of the ringleader. The hierarchy is actually not super clear but it seems like he and the woman grew the smaller ones somehow
Me to my brain- why are you thinking this? Calm down!
My brain- *makes this irrational thought make more sense*
Me- STOP IT
There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, but only one Superman.
So, in answer to your question… It’s probably a bird.
Her: What’s that account pin again?
Me: 051598
Her: Our wedding anniversary?
Me: Yes…they recommended for security purposes that I pick a number that’s insignificant.
Her:
Me: (immediately starts vacuuming)
I like being married but not every day.
😆😜😆😜
That lamp looks PISSED.
I didn’t mean to like your selfie I was just trying to get dried salsa off my phone
1938:
“It’s a bird!”
“It’s a plane!”
“It’s… Superman!”2013:
“Is that a drone?”
“Yeah, it’s probably a drone.”
Please don’t make me choose pickup or delivery to see your online menu, I just want to practice my drive-thru order
I am also baked goods
My husband just called to ask me what aisle something is in because he won’t ask for directions in a grocery store either.
I worry a lot about the wild animals in my neighborhood but I’m beginning to think that they don’t worry very much about me.
Dragged myself to the fridge because I promised myself I’d be productive tonight and god knows the ice cream isn’t gonna eat itself
I have to fast for 48 hours for my upcoming colonoscopy. My husband is not having a colonoscopy, but he will be fasting for 48 hours as well. He just doesn’t know it yet.
My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills
I relate to #PizzaRat because if I found a slice of pizza as big as a car you can bet I’d try my best to take that thing home.
MAGICIAN: Now the woman is in the box, I will saw her in half!
EVERYONE: *gasps*
ME *whispers to wife* ok you were right, a magician at a funeral is weird
Who called it heckling a cow and not roast beef?
Netflix suggested I watch my kids.
Parenting during the month of May has gotten so overwhelming that I’m trying to think of a minimally-invasive surgery I could schedule to get a few days of downtime
today was my first day back after the holidays and my body is like excuse me why aren’t we eating 9 meals a day anymore
nature’s most graceful animal
Take that, diet!
And that!
And that!-Me eating Oreos
Where is that goddamn asteroid already