if she’s cute let her know. go AWOOOGOOO. pop ur eyes out of ur head. drop ur jaw to the floor. roll ur tongue out like a red carpet.
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Child: Do you have any cool side effects from your vaccine shot?
Me: No super powers, but I do look more handsome today.
Child: So, it’s affected your vision?
friend: ”how’s life?“
me: ”everything’s on track thanks“the track:
me: four out of five dentists recommend Colgate so I’ll have that
waiter: uhhh you want fries with that
My wife is playing hard to get.
Rid of.
For cardio, I attempt to swallow vitamins, while holding a cup of piping hot coffee.
I remember this one time I peed in the pool. The lifeguard yelled so loud I almost fell in.
[Shark Tank]
an armadillo clock that rolls away so you gotta get up to turn off the alarm
Sounds dum-
It’s called the Alarmadillo
OMG SOLD
Parenting is just putting throw pillows back on the couch every ten minutes until you die.
“I could really use a side piece” was a phrase I uttered that didn’t help my jigsaw puzzle or my marriage.
Did you guys know you get a full body massage while being embalmed? I can’t wait.
People act all namby-pamby while dating, then wonder why divorce rates are so high. Stop chatting about the weather and start asking the real questions, people. How do you feel about lace curtains? Will you cheat on me if I let myself go? Do you check your brake lines regularly?
Sometimes I’m eating chips and I pick up a chip crumb off my shirt and eat it but it’s a different flavor of chip than I’m currently eating.
[kidnapping]
BOSS: Tape his mouth shut.
ME: [puts tiny strip of tape on the hostages mouth]
BOSS: Are you stupid? Put more on.
ME: Oh I’m sorry I forgot tape doesn’t cost money.
#rubbishjokes
I don’t like Russian dolls.They are so full of themselves.
“don’t worry about a thing”
“why”
“’cause every little thing gonna be all right”
“what about all the big things”
“ooh forgot about big things”
Being held for questioning sounds more romantic than it is
I just realized the straps on the side of the mattress are for moving the mattress, and not for what I’ve been using them for all this time.
landlord: i’m raising your rent
me: am i getting more house
5, leaps down from high furniture onto floor and sees my horrified expression: look Mom, I’m really nervous-ing you up!
There is no greater evil in this world than somebody who DMs you a picture of their moist slice of cake…knowing that you have no cake.
I hate when I’m pooping alone in the house and I hear a noise.. please don’t kill me while i’m pooping..
It’s fair to say that in the event of a bear attack, my kids would be safe with me. I’d never be able to outrun the little buggers, and there’s more than enough snacking on me to sate even the hungriest ursine.
Waiter, Waiter, will my pizza be long?
No sir, it will be round.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Is Pepsi ok?
*I pull out my phone and send a text*
*2 hours pass*
*an out of breath Dikembe Mutumbo runs in wagging his finger*
No it is not
I accidentally called it an eternity scarf instead of an infinity scarf and now I have to drink my Starbucks outside.
Your Honor, my client would like you to stop being so mean, even though we both know she deserves it.
I grew up in a really small town. The closest thing we had to food delivery was someone egging your house.
Just told a teen about the music I listened to when I was her age & she said “that’s cool, I love the oldies,” so today I do my first murder
Why are they giving Lance Armstrong a hard time about doping???… Going to the moon is very scary shit!!!
I could never join the army because I’d never be able to figure out what time it is.