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Me (remembering that girls like cute things): do you like peppa pig?
Date:
Me (remembering girls like tough guys): I killed her
Watching drunk twins fight.
The similarities are staggering, and striking.
[galileo’s wife walks in]
*quickly pointing the telescope from the neighbor’s window to the sky*
i was just studying the… phases of venus.
Me: I can’t carry this heavy suitcase.
Him: I’ve seen you carry in a dozen bags of groceries at once.
Me: That’s different, that’s food.
[clenching fists] “I’ll fight someone”
Waiter: For the last time sir, ‘cheese plate’ describes the items on the plate not the plate itself
Apparently you can’t use the “don’t make me turn this car around” threat if your kids never wanted to go in the first place
Frog: WAKE ME UP!
Snake: Wake me up inside!
I’m that aunt who laughs when my brother is scolding his kids and now we’re all in trouble.
Insomnia: Hi
Me: Hi
I: Hope I’m disturbing you
M: You are
I: You know what we could do?
M: Let me sleep?
I: HA, no, let’s think about hippos
Wife: Nothing you could say could convince me that cockroaches aren’t the worst.
Me: Wall-E’s friend was a cockroach.
Wife: Except that.
When you let your mom cut your hair and she tells you what a handsome young man you are
We’ve got people working on world peace, and I’m here wondering how I can swipe a piece of my patient’s chocolate without her noticing.
*breaking up with BF
I’ll never forget you David.
‘My name is Jason’
Goodbye John.
There should be LEGO movies of everything. LEGO Die Hard. LEGO John Wick. Hell I’d even watch LEGO 50 Shades of Grey.
Blinded by the light is really just a song about turning the bathroom light on in the middle of the night.
Once I was in an elevator w/ 5 strangers & a lady ran up at the last second. Instead of helping her, we all watched the doors close. I said, “Good. I never liked her” to what I thought would be big laughs. Nope. As I rode 10 floors in thick silence, they shut me out even harder
yoooo let ur cat know i said pspspsps
Me: Good night Moon
Moon:
Me, climbing out of lunar module two weeks later: Did you get my text?!
FRIEND: are you going to watch star wars tonight?
ME: uhh…yeah…of course
[later]
ME: [looking up from telescope pointed at night sky] odd…they seem to all be getting along just fine
I use italics as a form of revenge. Being a writer has ruined my posture, so I’m going to do the same to these words.
Seekh Kebab
Not attention
You don’t have to drive me crazy, I’m close enough to walk.
There’s no song for those of us who want to throw our hands up in the air and wave ‘em like we have a great deal of concern.
[doorbell rings]
Me: [opens door] yes?
Kidnapper: look I know you haven’t paid the ransom yet but-[hands toddler back]
Interviewer: Can you explain this gap in your CV?
Me: Yes, that’s when I didn’t have a job.
I stopped swearing, because kids. Then I started swearing, because kids.
Share your cheese puns. Only the Gouda stuff, not de Brie.
Him: you’re beautiful.
Her: no I’m not, hehe.
Him: yes, you are.
Her: you’re crazy, I’m hideous.
Him: oh, ok. I see it now.
*sitting bolt upright out of a dead sleep*
PANTS MADE OUT OF EGGPLANTS CALLED AUBERJEANS
*man with beerbelly waiting outside elementary school*
*teacher walks towards man*
“are you expecting a child?”
“no thats from all the beer”