I removed Sean Connery’s limbs & replaced them with Daniel Craig’s arms & Pierce Brosnan’s legs. They formed an unlikely Bond.
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[pulled over]
COP: Did you know you were speeding?
ME: I didn’t even know I was driving
COP: Out
“You accept unused items as well, right?”, I ask the Goodwill employee as I hand her a stack of recipe books.
My dog just kicked open my bedroom door like I owe her rent.
Hell hath no fury like a woman.
Oh? That’s not the entire expression?
I just gave my cat his lunch and insulin. He is now happily digesting and insulating.
There is a huge body of evidence to support the notion that me and the police were put on this earth to do extremely different things.
What’s your favorite song?-Me, to a baby wearing a Metallica shirt at the grocery store.
[A montage of me flailing because I walked into a spiders web, with larger and larger crowds, until I am at the karate championships]
whenever i eat at a restaurant i make sure to sit with my back to the wall facing the door, that way if a dracula comes in i can kill myself before things get too scary
jesus thought he was impressive converting water into wine, lemme see u convert Fahrenheit into Celsius without googling it if ur so holy
My mind thinks I’m 6, and my heart thinks I’m 22, but my body knows we’ve died and reached hell.
Plot twist: a Mission Impossible movie where the mission is in fact impossible
*on the phone*
Me: I’d like to order a 12″ cheese steak.
Him: Sure. That’ll be $13.39.
M: How long will it be?
H: Uhh, a foot?
M: …
If Superman were a realtor, he could describe literally any apartment in the world as ‘a stone’s throw from the beach’.
When the person ahead of you joins the rewards program, you should get 10% off just for waiting.
Fitness bloggers are like, “Just fill your cabinets with healthy food.” You mean my spice museums?!
i shouldn’t be laughing, but i am
The only thing I’ve ever made from scratch was dandruff.
Just found all my fan letters to Wolverine my wife “promised” she mailed stuffed behind the couch. I’m livid.
You think you’re in pretty good shape and then you shovel two feet of snow and wake up the next day feeling like you threw yourself off of a skyscraper.
I don’t give a damn what the horoscopes say, get you a girl born in February. Amethyst is one of the cheaper birthstones and if you play your cards right you can do one of those Birthday-Valentine’s Day combo celebrations.
I’m walking more to lose weight in order to help my knees feel better. Walking more is making my knees sore.
The moral of the story?
Don’t have knees.
I can’t believe I gave up my best sleeping years to raise children.
“Shark infested waters”….you mean their home?
My kids spent two hours “cleaning” and accomplished literally nothing.
Then I told them they had ten minutes to pick up everything or they were grounded.
Then they finished in eight.
Me: We spend a lot of time together.
Her: Turn left.
Me: Just think we should take this to the next level.
Her: Arriving at destination.
That awkward moment when a zombie is looking for brains and he walks right past you…
Are people who write “prolly” rather than “probably” just lazy, completely illiterate, or do they actually think that’s a word?
I bought a pregnancy test so the cashier who always serves me when I’m by myself in my pjs, buying ice-cream & chips, thinks I have sex.
Listerine, for when you feel like killing all 10,000 taste buds at once.