I rented this bobcat to help me dig up my new pool but he won’t even hold the shovel. He’s just eating all the neighborhood squirrels.
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I think Grandma enjoyed giving everyone the wrong impression saying her friend Iris died by the needle when she was actually stabbed during knitting club.
My sister in law got my daughter a doll that sings and blows bubbles and I can’t wait for revenge. I mean my niece’s birthday.
*walks into room, turns chair around backwards & sits down with arms crossed on it*
hey kids…I’m here to talk about how chairs confuse me
i absolutely refuse to drink any tap water till it’s gone though my brita filter that i haven’t changed in 5 years
Murder Hornets have arrived in America. Not sure how they got past the wall.
Hubs accidentally picked up my coffee cup this morning, took a big gulp, and spewed it out across the table. What a waste of good Scotch.
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
Just realized half way through my date that I still had lipstick on my forehead from my mom kissing me goodbye.
A spring loaded coffin can really put the fun back in funeral.
Packing my daughter’s prom kit…lip gloss, stun gun, pepper spray, switchblade, and I’ve uploaded all 5 seasons of Teen Mom to her iPhone.
All this construction in my area makes me realize how many weapons are just randomly lying around.
[God making peaches]
ANGEL: we already have nectarines
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, put hair on them
ANGEL: what
GOD: what
My thoughts are as pure as snow… after the trucks have driven hard and plowed through it.
My doctor told me to try a milk bath. Adding the Cinnamon Toast Crunch was my idea
When I was younger I was into athletics. I miss the guys from the 4x400m relay team. We ran in the same circles.
Just so you know, anytime I’ve said, ‘duly noted,’ I ain’t noting shit.
My milk snake scares all the boys from the yard
I just have to continue with these drinking jokes. I think they’re hilarious.😂
[first day as waiter]
Customer: Do you ever have second thoughts?
Me: *sweating* I can ask the chef.
All these “make better choices” make me wonder if my parents are now running twitter
My teen said I have a lot of fashionable clothes “because stuff from the 1900s is back in style” and I wonder if that includes washing a sassy teen’s mouth out with soap.
Me: Your generation sits around with their noses in their phones
Niece: Your generation made the guys who wrote the Macarena rich
Me: …
Tried on a pair of skinny jeans and I looked like a full cereal bag that you’re trying to force back inside the box.
when bread gets all hard we throw it away but when it’s toast we’re like yay breakfast
holy crap!! when I said “take care of them” I meant snacks & drinks
Email subject line: “Your invited.” Thanks, I’ll bring an apostrophe and an e.
Seems like an opportune time to resurface my favorite interview moment
Every morning, I jog around my block 15 times. Then I pick the block up and put it back with the rest of it’s little Lego friends.
Thanks to Target’s full length 3 way mirrors, I’m now painfully aware I look like a melting candle from the back.
welcome mats are just gateway rugs