@SteveSuckington: I rented this bobcat to help me dig up my new pool but he won't even hold the shovel. He's just eating all the neighborhood squirrels.
YOU MIGHT ALSO LIKE
@UnFitz: If I had a time machine I'd probably go back and kill Hitler but I'd definitely stop on the way to object at my wedding.
@Dutch_50: I'll bet even homeless people look at funeral homes and think, "Nope. I'd rather stay out here."
@captainkalvis: ANCHOR: we now go live to our new field meteorologist who will issue a storm warning ME: *pointing at the sky* DON'T. YOU. DARE.
@MonSwanson: I can't wait for my grandma to ask me repeatedly why I don't have a boyfriend "because I'm such a pretty girl". I'm a psycho, grandma.