I rented this bobcat to help me dig up my new pool but he won’t even hold the shovel. He’s just eating all the neighborhood squirrels.
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I’m at the age where a “movie marathon” means .75 movies
I just sneezed with a cat on my lap and I’m going to need someone to send help I’m losing a lot of blood.
It’s that time of year – holiday music playing, lights twinkling, and kids excited abo…GET YOUR STICKY HANDS OFF THE GODDAMN TREE OR SANTA IS GOING TO DROP YOUR TOYS IN THE OCEAN…ut baking cookies.
I saw this sign two days ago and I can’t stop thinking about ‘Worse’
To make sure I don’t cheat, my wife got me into cryptocurrency and that’s all I want to talk about with women now.
If you don’t believe aliens walk amongst us, who else could write such unnatural dialogue in pharmaceutical commercials?
Are you having a nice Tuesday or did your daughter remember this morning that she volunteered to bring 150 baby carrots to school today?
date: did you just eat a fry off the dirty ground?
me: first of all, potatoes grow in the ground.
I really relate to the people in commercials who “didn’t know that.”
people are doing cold plunges and i’m like, when i take a bath the water is so hot you could boil pasta in it.
I went with 4 to the supermarket and she insisted on pushing the trolley. Every time I went to help she yelled at me so I’d just like to apologise to the 382 people she injured while we were there
Sandwich: Hi. Barman: Sorry, we dont serve food in here.
Don’t have a second child until the first one is old enough to take care of it. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
Just saw a guy sitting with a Blackberry and a newspaper. I think he was waiting for a horse.
Just know, if I’ve asked you at least 6 times nicely and then sang it as a song, the next time it’s coming out as an unhinged shout.
I like my coffee like I like my slaves.
Free, you racist.
Re-using mouthwash is one life hack you’ve heard here first
Bring a hedgehog into the library and frantically ask the clerks where they keep the reverse spell casting books.
Who called them nuclear submarines and not fission ships?
*opens kitchen drawer*
Me: Whoa, what’s with all the whisks?
Sir-Mix-a-Lot: Why you judgin me?
*gets pulled over*
Do you know how fast you were going?
*pulls string*
*inflates emergency mustache*Oh sorry officer. You’re free to go.
[Olympic Swimming]
CANADIAN ANNOUNCER: I feel bad for the water look how hard they’re kicking it.
No, Susan, I haven’t just “grown a new beard” – I’ve rewilded my face.
If they ever invent time travel my dad would still insist on leaving early to avoid traffic
A Short Story.
8yo me: i wanta be a paleontologist when i grow up
28yo me: (sifting through cat litter) oh look, a quarter!
Who’d win if Batman fought Santa? Before u say Batman, just remember who’s watching you answer.
Female lamb: I feel so much pressure to conform more.
Therapist: Hey, ewe do ewe.
Lamb: THAT’S your advice?
Therapist: I woold take it if I were ewe.
Lamb: SERIOUSLY?!
Therapist: (grins sheepishly)
Lamb:
Therapist:
Lamb:
Therapist: Why are ewe maaaaaaad at me?
Who called it a hot dog rolling grill and not a roller toaster