I replace all the family pictures my coworkers have on their desks with pictures of baby sloths and suddenly I need professional help?!?
You Might Also Like
John Lennon: Help! I need somebody!
Anybody: I’d be happy to—
John Lennon: Not just anybody!
Anybody: Okay then.
Girl are you a University of Phoenix degree because I’m pursuing you online and from my couch
Police Officer: ”Have you been drinking?”
Me: ”Yes!”
Police Officer: ”Step out of the car!”
Me: ”Why? You don’t believe me?”
Magneto: Curses! How did you find my secret lair? Telepathy? Satellites?
Wolverine: every compass in town is pointing at you, bro, how do you not know this
me: slip out of that little red thing you’re wearing
*unwraps Babybel*
Me: can you help with the dishes?
5 [licks dirty silverware] yeah.
Apparently, if you scream into a pillow at Target you have to buy it.
[hospital burn unit]
doctor: your father will die soon unless one of you can be a tissue donor
me: *pulling used kleenex from my pockets* how many
5: I love this pizza. can you marry food?
FINALLY A BEAUTIFUL DAY THAT ISN’T 100 DEGREES OR POURING RAIN
[frogs start falling from sky]
her: that lion is charging
me: hang on [googling] our escape velocity is its distance divided by its speed, then add
her: ok it has my leg, now what
After two divorces, I think I’ve found the key to a successful marriage. Don’t marry a cunt.
One day i’ll figure out how many seconds you can be nice to a cat before it tries to kill you…. today was not that day
If you are going to call the cops every time you spot me in your bushes I don’t think this relationship is going to work.
What about second breakfast?
My husband has a blanket pulled up over his face.
I think this means he wants me to talk to him.
Day 27 without sports:
Hesitated for an inappropriately long moment before intervening in my kid’s living room brawl.
ME: my mouth is all itchy
HER: were you in the attic again?
ME: you mean my Free Cotton Candy Room?
HER: I’ll speed dial poison control
It’s okay, baby. I cry when people try to change me too.
me: wheres the 13th floor?
builder: we skip it in all our buildings
me: what why
builder:
me:
builder: *embarrassed* too spooky
All of my passwords are the names of various “Friends” characters. Except for Ross. I’ve never used Ross. Not after what he did to Rachel.
Help your friends with their diet, replace the light in the fridge with a airhorn.
Research says that if you’re afraid of spiders, you’re most likely to find them in your bedroom. I’m afraid of men with accents so…
Every house has this drawer
I tell all my ex girlfriends I just want them to be happy (happy was a golden retriever I saw get hit by a train in 1997)
adulthood is arrogantly deleting and then sadly downloading tinder & uber eats over and over and over
[ interview at a 24 hour diner ]
boss: can you cook nights
a dragon: yes
My dog gives me attitude when getting his paws wiped off after being outside. It must be just awful to get rewarded with foot massages just for using the bathroom.
Every great and accomplished chef had to start somewhere.