I replaced the glass in my bathroom windows so the tree outside can see exactly what I do with toilet paper.
You know what paper is? I yell
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I always sharpen my guest bed of nails before my mother-in-law comes to visit.
I think “Ur mom” is a sassy answer to any question.
Especially “Who gave birth to me” or “Who divorced my dad”.
Sorry I didn’t reply to your text, I just couldn’t find a response that would keep you from sending another
Wife: Well, they say a mirror adds ten pounds.
Me: That’s a cam-
Wife: …
Me: Yes. Yes they do.
8 just got annoyed that the cheese on his grilled cheese sandwich melted and is no longer square shaped…in case any of you were on the fence about having children.
The five second rule for food dropped on the floor means something else when you have a dog.
*Running late
*Light turns green but car in front wont go
*About to honk when reads bumper sticker: honk if you love disco
*Is late for work
Hypnotist: When I count to three you will wake up
Me: Then don’t count to three
Me: [starts singing quietly to myself while doing dishes]
My 5-year-old, who regularly screams for no reason: Stop that
I had a terrible dream that monsters came out from under the bed at night and ate up all the pecan pie. I woke up screaming MY PIE
Sam: Welcome to Multiple Personality Club.
Sam: No one else is here.
Sam: You’re here.
Sam: I’M YOU, STUPID!
Sam: OK EVERYONE CALM DOWN!
Me: *trying to get comfortable on your wicker chair* I wonder if this is what sitting on shredded wheat feels like.
They should make a sitcom where Gordon Ramsay works in a prison as a culinary instructor to prisoners with anger issues.
Had no idea why my salad was $175, ’til the waiter explained that they only use Beets by Dre.
I’m flying to my 30th high school reunion and I think I forgot to turn my stove off and also to be successful
Barista: Latte for Waldo
Barista: Do we have a Waldo here
Barista: Where’s Waldo
Me: *proudly nudging a stranger* I did that
Based on all of my exes I would have to say that Cupid has a wicked sense of humor.
Let’s name him something that will make children smile
“How about Santa?”
Ok but let’s add something fierce so they are afraid to defy him
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
“I could eat.”
-me (right after I’ve eaten)
CASHIER: its declined
ME: run it again
C: sir, is this one of those fake credit cards they mail out
ME: no
C: your name is “local resident”?
Quarantine Day 31: I joined a Facebook group where we all pretend to be ants in an ant colony
Mo’ money mo’ problems might be true, but I’d still like to find out for myself.
*feeds you Cheetos while running my fingers through your hair*
If one more person stands up and talks about their alcoholism I’m quitting this book club.
There’s no way witnessing the birth of your child is better than seeing your luggage come out first on the baggage carousel.
You are the pebble in my shoe of people.
[shows up late for first day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour*
[shows up late for second day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour 2*
The first few seconds of a tiger attack are when it’s critical to make the “pspspspsppsp” noise