@Parkerlawyer: I represented criminals before I switched to divorce law. Not one accused murderer or drug dealer ever scared me more than the soccer mom who just found out her husband is cheating on her with the PTA Vice President.
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@CatsVsHumanity: Please please please please please please please... -me, flushing someone else's toilet
@ArfMeasures: ME: It's a gun fight, don't say you brought a knife ALANIS MORRISETTE [brandishing 10,000 spoons] I'm not an idiot
@Nyx422: My son begged me not to wear my Poison shirt & spandex to get him on the bus again. So I wore an adult onesie. Guess I won this round.
@nealbrennan: Nothing is guaranteed to be less funny than when an NPR host says, “You know, it’s funny...”