One of the best things about painting a room is getting to lick the empty paint can when you finish up a gallon.
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[at fancy-dress party shouting over all the barking]
“YOU NEED TO LEAVE”
me dressed as a giant vacuum cleaner: “I DIDNT KNOW YOU HAD 6 DOGS”
FRIEND: Women like a little danger.
ME: Okay.
[later on date]
HER: So where are we-
ME: *opening door of moving car* Get out. NOW.
my parents got an amazon echo for christmas & all they do is shout at it & get disappointed by all it can’t do. i’ve been replaced by alexa & it’s great.
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I once left the house without using the bathroom first.
ME: The word “thief” should be spelled “theif” or we should change how it is pronounced to “thigh-ff” but “thief” always seems incorrect.
COP: While I agree with you, you are still extremely under arrest, lol.
If you love someone, let them go.
If they don’t come back, get a dog.
Relieved to finally get a new microchipped debit card that provides added security to protect the $13.68 in my checking account.
Pinocchio would have been a way crazier story if he were a swordfish
What the dentist sees
Me: Now that I’m an adult, I can eat whatever I want.
Metabolism:
Just went to Walgreens & they’re a bunch of liars. Their walls were more of a beige color. I’m suing.
My forgiveness comes with the price of never forgetting.
A bee is willing to end it’s own life just to cause you a tiny amount of pain. I can relate to that level of pettiness.
My Husband objected to a question I asked in court and we are on the same side if you wanted to know how fun it is to work with your spouse.
I got kicked off Wikipedia for adding “obviously” to the end of every article.
I just raced a Smart car. He barely beat me, but that’s only cuz I stopped to tie my shoe.
4: Mommy, do I look like a taco?
(I pause, consider the question and remind myself I’m dealing with a highly irrational creature)
Me: Do you want to look like a taco?
4: Yes!
Me: You look exactly like a taco.
I get so excited when Facebook tells me there are hot singles in my city who want to meet me. Maybe they want to babysit!
this girl I went to college with got super hot and married a rich guy and lives overseas and doesn’t work and does triathlons for fun BUT her fitness insta only has 200 followers and I have 8,000 on Twitter just by being lazy and depressed so, in your face Mandy who’s winning now
He’s taking you for granted? Act differently. Do something spontaneous. Spice things up. Sleep with his friend.
All semester I got 60% on my tests while sober. Took my final exam drunk and got a 84% on it – University of Wisconsin Parkside
You gotta know when to hold ’em, know when to fold ’em, know when to walk away and know when to run – ORIGAMI not for everyone !
[Sitting in your closet]
I’m completely over you.
[USPS]
M: *hands change of address form*
C: Ma’am, this just says “bathtub.”
M: I live there now.
C: We can’t send mail to a bathtub.
M: Yay
What idiot called it “The Nightmare Before Christmas” and not “A Nightmare on Elf Street?”
1. Lemon
2. Ice
3. MeThings my wife doesn’t want in cider
Apparently ‘gravy’ is not an acceptable answer to the question, “What would you like to drink with your meal?”.
Should we be concerned about where Home Depot keeps getting these 12 foot skeletons?
It’s so weird, when I was a kid BBC Radio 2 played dated songs for old people – but they must have had a policy change over the years cuz now they seem to play cool, awesome songs for young people like me!
Told my daughter that whoever takes the longest nap gets to choose what’s for dinner.
And now we wait.