@panmidwest: I respect the guy who drives his Blue BMW through the White Castle drive thru. It's like he's saying: "I'm better than you—but not by much."
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@FakeDeanAccount: I like to reinvent myself every year, last year I was a small Italian woman and the year before that a bear.
@jordan_stratton: *coworker walks into bathroom, triggering the motion sensor that turns the lights on* ME: [from one of the stalls] Welcome.
@Cheeseboy22: The Teen Choice Awards has to be the most legit award show because teens always make the best choices.
@mdob11: I think people who use "go fly a kite" as an insult don't really understand kites or insults.