I respect the guy who drives his Blue BMW through the White Castle drive thru. It’s like he’s saying: “I’m better than you—but not by much.”
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They should just report when there WASN’T a shooting in Florida at this point
Cats don’t come with instructions, so how is anyone supposed to know you can’t put them in the washing machine.
Due to an unforeseen error during last night’s love making session I am forced to wear non matching socks today
When I got the vaccine they asked me how I was feeling and I said I feel kind of updog and they put the syringe back in and took the vaccine out of me
Me: This escape room is really hard.
Guard: I said lights out!
I’ve been watching a lot of tiktok lately and y’all need to stop marrying people who look just like you do but with a wig on.
Did you know you can replace Sweet Child O Mine with Sweet Glass O Wine and it makes for an even better song
Car salesmen: Good evening
Me: TAKE IT EASY PAL I’M JUST LOOKING AROUND
Baristas, stop paintin’ pictures in my damn latte. I’m gonna drink that shit not frame it.
Those three magic words,
-You can have my taco.Ps. Shut it, maths police.
Just got unfollowed by exorcist scary looking lady with crazy eyes who has “will get in cars with strangers” in her bio. I’m hiding……..
Palm trees are beautiful but you wouldn’t want one on your team in a rap battle, they’re absolutely useless at throwing shade.
Just realized I haven’t fed my imaginary friends since a tea party when I was 6 so they’re all dead now.
“Read that again”
No thanks, it sucked the first time.
Him: I like you.
Me: *starts game timer*
Me: “I don’t make everything sexual”
*plugs phone into charger*
“You like that huh?”
Candy canes are the perfect treat. They are minty & put you into the holiday spirit & can easily be fashioned into a shank.
Me: My therapist says I use sex for validation.
Parking garage attendant: Not here you don’t, pal.
Thank you, true crime show, for saying that was a reenactment. I was pretty upset your camera person didn’t stop that murder.
Somewhere in my brain is a tiny gland that blinds me to unwashed dishes.
One time I ran into an old friend and she said “omg you haven’t met my baby” and i said “omg I had no idea” and the next day I went to her house with a baby gift and her baby was a goddamn cat.
at my age not even the shower wants to see me naked
The tooth fairy forgot to come last night. Luckily she woke in a panic at 5 am and visited in the nick of time.
It’s normal for people to change the locks and forget to tell you…right?
Wife: I’m trying to decide between tacos or pasta for dinner. What are your thoughts?
Me: They’re, like, little voices that say things in my head.
No one:
My brain: the word ‘platitude’ kinda just sounds like a platypus with an attitude
“you okay man?”
listen dude… i know what im doing
*lights a cigarette backwards*
ive seen Guy Code like six times
“If anyone has a reason why these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace”
(from the back)
He saw Creed live in 2003
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
Today’s meltdown brought to you by me, who wouldn’t let 4 ride his bike unless he put on underwear, at a minimum