I respected tiger sharks a lot more after I realized how many hurdles tigers and sharks had to overcome to breed with each other.
You Might Also Like
*lowers car suspension to look more gangster*
*takes 12 minutes to ride over a speedbump*
Friends: Come get a drink with us after work?
Me: Nah, I gave up drinking for my New Year’s Resolution.
Friends: C’mon, just have one….
Me: Ok, maybe just one.
[ three hours later at the club ]
Me:
Just Googled my symptoms. Turns out I’m alive
pulling petals off a forget-me-not but it’s just me trying to figure out if the weather this weekend is snow or thunderstorms
I just took my two Dachshunds out for a run and I got passed by a dude riding a skateboard being pulled by two Huskies like some sort of ridiculous Southern California Iditarod and to be honest it looked way more fun than what I was doing.
Slicing an avocado: “I’ll carefully carve two halves then cautiously remove the pit to avoid bruising the fruit.”
Slicing a pineapple: “I’LL SEE YOU IN HELL SPIKEYBOI!”
Relationship status: you’d think something called a Roomba would be a better dancer
I have literally never stopped thinking about this
[demon possessing me is forcing me to walk into a chapel]
Me: are you breaking up with me?!
Demon: no- wait, do you actually think we’re a couple?
Me: *shyly blushing* well, you are inside of me
Demon: why are you this way
[at the mall]
Woman: I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?
Security: sure what’s his name?
Woman: Xander
Security: yeah see that’s probably why he ran off
“Having oatmeal for breakfast so I can get paid to poop at work.”
– Capitalism baby
Judge: I’d like to call recess.
Defense Attorney: *running with hands in air* I call the slide!
Bailiff: *still zipping coat* Wait for me.
My boss tasked us with finding new and inventive ways to be productive while we work from home. So I tied a piece of string to my mouse and pull it every few minutes to keep my computer from going idle while I nap on the couch. I’ve never been more “productive” in my life.
My parents: before you leave the house you should always go pee!
Me, as a kid:. No! I don’t need to go!
Me, in my 40’s: yeah I see what you mean!
Insane how Jesus was born on Christmas and resurrected on Easter??? Like what are the odds
Corona-na-na-na-na Corona-na-na-na-na MASK MAAAAAN
Chamomile tea makes chamomile pee.
It’s the year 2354, the world is now like that futuristic Bruce Willis movie.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No,
Attention Walmart Shoppers –
There is someone dressed
Appropriately in
Aisle 12
Neighbor: Your dog barks a lot.
Me: Isn’t your kid the one that plays her recorder outside every summer?
N: So?
M: So, I can’t help you.
can’t wait for 65 million years after we’re extinct and whatever race is in charge makes human-shaped chicken nuggets
My mom used to make sure we were wearing our seatbelts in the back seat by slamming on the brakes. She was a kind soul.
narrator: Phoebe outstretches her arms to appear bigger and ward off the door-to-door salesman
I lost my virginity once and lemme tell you…
NEVER. AGAIN.
Texted daughter “I’m going to take a nap” and autocorrect changed it to “come inside and scream like a banshee.”
“Can I go play w/ my Twitter friends?”
Wife: “Are the kids in bed & the dishwasher emptied?”
“…Yes”
*wife opens cabinet, kids fall out*
Hearing those four little words always makes my day.
“Your order just shipped.”
Wow, it’s a shame that I’ve already accepted another job.
My 4 year old took 2 hours and 3 separate sittings to eat a slice of cake. I don’t even know who this kid is anymore.