*Day 9 of quarantine*
Him: My beard is really filling out!
Me: *rubbing my face* Mine too!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: What?
You Might Also Like
I was 14 on tumblr stressed af about net neutrality, I ain’t even know what the shit meant
13 year old me: why is my mom texting me?
me now: i’m gonna send my mom a pic of this grass cause it’s super green. I think she’ll like it.
“Dad what IS the moon?”
It is cheese. Delicious cheese. Thats why rats come out at nite, to look at it. We must never let rats on the moon.
Me: I can tell my left from my right accurately 100% of the time when I do the L thingy with my hand
Interviewer:….ok. And weaknesses?
We have a local weatherman who often forecasts “changeable skies.” He makes a lot of money to make that call.
to the spirits in my walls: going to the store be right back.
In the name of “Hell Kitty”, an army of children wages a bloody and unholy war.
“It was just a typo,” sobs Glenn, ex-Tshirt factory worker.
*releases swarm of killer wasps*
– ATTACK!
*wasps fly off harmlessly in all directions*
– Hmm… time for plan bee
Her: I ran across a YouTube video called “Why You Will Marry the Wrong Person.”
Me: Did you watch it?
Her: No, it was 22 minutes long. I figure I’ll just take my chances.
Friend Who I Haven’t Seen in a While: your kid’s gotten so big! what is he, four?
Me: i have no idea what he’s for
Do other animals have signature tranquilizers, or are horses just especially stressed out?
When comedians die, why does everyone tell them to “make God laugh”? You wouldn’t order a dead carpenter to “make God some bookshelves.”
they split up moments later
If I saw an elephant in the room, that’s ALL I’d be talking about.
When my kids are grown, I’m coming over to their house and taking their forks and then scattering them around town.
[FIRST DATE]
HER: I love babies.
ME *to waiter*: She’ll have the veal.
In a dog eat dog world, the chocolate lab is the most delicious, yet poisonous of all breeds.
Aliens: WHY SHOULD HUMANITY BE SPARED?
Me: whoa ok, you guys have chosen the wrong dude to argue this case
*I sit bolt upright in bed, drenched in sweat*
HER: Did you have the zombie nightmare again?
ME: (thinking about the time everybody sang ‘happy birthday’ to me and I accidentally joined in) Yes
I’ve seen people tear a phone book in half with their bare hands & I just had to use scissors to open a bagged salad.
Hold in my laughter like that? I’d last for 0.1 second
Engelbert Humperdinck actually chose that name, he was not born with it.
I think about this a lot.
my sister-in-law: I feel bad that dogs hafta poop outside in the rain.
my 9yo: it’s actually kinda fun you should try it.
guy skipping rocks: do you wanna try?
guy who lives in a glass house: ummm idk if i should
The movie Speed, except this bus driver apparently thinks we’ll blow up if he goes over 15 mph.
“Maybe I don’t need this second cup of coffee,” she said as she reached for the turkey gravy instead of the milk.
“…nevermind.”
Instead of throwing cheese at babies, I would like to gently lay a piece of cheese over a sleeping mouse like a blankie, then when he wakes up, it’s like a bed & breakfast.
hey i know we haven’t talked since high school but we’re celebrating our 10 year friendversary on facebook. what are u up to tonight lol
Me: got my food and now I’ll just grab a napkin.
Napkin Dispenser: ok, 38 napkins to you my dude.
Me: no just-just one.
Napkin Dispenser: right, no napkins for you bro.
Me: uh what?
Napkin Dispenser: a bunch of napkins in smallish pieces for my homie.