@bromanconsul: I ruin friend groups by always suggesting we start a band too early
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@JayDee422: I'm close to $100,000 deep in student loans for my English degree and I just used the word "awesome" 10 times in a row to describe a guy.
@thebeavs: When God was handing out obstacles I thought he said popsicles and said I'll take one of each variety.
@TheNaique: Every time a magician graduates from his school and throws his hat in the air at the convocation, PETA sues him for cruelty to rabbits.
@XplodingUnicorn: 4-year-old: Is there candy in that drawer? Me: No. 4: Can I check? Me: Do you have a warrant?