@bromanconsul: I ruin friend groups by always suggesting we start a band too early
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@jordan_stratton: COACH: You miss 100% of the shots you take. ME: You mean, don't take? COACH: No. You are, by far, the worst athlete I have ever seen.
@HiddenPinky: Will I ever be a good parent? *shakes baby* Wait a minute, if you're here [cut to Magic 8-Ball in crib]
@toujours_fab: My husband said he needs to have sex and now he is mad at me. Apparently, asking 'with each other' was the wrong response.
@OneFunnyMummy: Mo' money mo' problems might be true, but I'd still like to find out for myself.