A typo so bad, they assume you speak German.
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this is literally a CIA plant
According to my fitness app, I ate a 6 mile fruit roll-up.
If you call me Dear, I automatically grandpa zone you.
If u ever rob someones house just bring guacamole that way if they catch you you can just yell surprise and tell them they’re having a party
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
I feel sorry for the Phillip whose head inspired the screwdriver.
the word “crocheting” pisses me off. like check out this new word guys, it’s called crowshaying but we’re gonna spell it like screaming with your head in a metal bucket.
In the bathroom stall and written on the bottom of the door, ” Beware of Limbo Dancers” I wanted to star it and re-stall it one door over.
There has to be a better way for smoke detectors to say hey, the battery is low. Currently, they strike in the middle of the night like a serial killer, playing a twisted game of which one of the seven in the house needs immediate attention, taunting us with its three chirps.
My two teenagers are very different. My son always wants money, whereas my daughter prefers the convenience of my credit card.
i just got paid $40 for a 9 second video of me brushing my teeth. i will never do anything for free again.
Remember four years ago when we were all ‘nature is healing’ and then my grandma got mugged by a swan.
Thank God the conventions are over because now we can get back to the real issues: FOOTBALL.
SIRI: Brian, what goes “blah blah blah, I don’t know anything, please help me”?
ME: Uhh
SIRI: It’s you. That’s what you sound like.
My husband and I now have an app that tells us if the garage door is open or closed and this effectively gets rid of 90% of conversation during car rides.
[fire alarm]
Hotel California manager: oh no
ME: i joined CrossFit
PRIEST: again, kind of weird but not a sin
Thoughts and prayers for my dog. The mail carrier showed up today like she does everyday.
In Medieval times, people used antimony as a 𝘳𝘦𝘶𝘴𝘢𝘣𝘭𝘦 laxative.
Today, we can eat a different hotdog every day.
Fantasy:
We run in slow motion toward each other across an open field.
Her side is mined.
If you call me daddy during sex you’re getting sent home to eat your vegetables.
Kylo Ren: *high pitched voice* I love you Kylo Ren. You’re the best dark Jedi ever
General Hux: *walks in* Stop playing with Vader’s helmet
You’ll be disappointed to know faking your own death is more about forging documents than it is about lying perfectly still with your eyes closed
Hey, my eyes are up here.
Nope. Higher.
– snails, probably
Vodka burrito was a success
When life hands you lemons be thankful God didn’t slip and hit the demons button
Here’s how I get my kids to wash the floor: I give them a cup of water without a lid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
I did win the cartwheel contest but the other people at the funeral seemed upset.
Guys, please help. My son accidentally started a sentence without saying “mom” first, and then he kind of short circuited…? What do I do?
I drive an extra five miles on my way home from work so I can access my mailbox from the drivers side.