@CulturedRuffian: I ruined my diet to finish the last 5 donuts in the office because my coworkers are on a diet too so yeah, I sacrifice for the people I love
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@Wine_Honey1: Pro tip: If you smear your lipstick all over your face like the Joker, people won't talk to you.
@stockejock: Misery loves company, and apparently that's why my parents invite me over every Thanksgiving weekend.
@garrydavenport: "We've been doing this for years, I simply can't be bothered thinking up another long scientific name. Drink?" - people who named the fly.
@theSolemnBard: ME: Boy, the upstairs neighbors are sure noisy tonight. WIFE: Y— wait. We live on the top floor. ME: *remembering my promise to the brotherhood of dancing chimney sweeps* Boy, sure is windy, is what I meant to say.