I ruined our romantic honeymoon to Venice by pronouncing canal wrong the whole time. You know how. You get it. I grow weary of this website
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I think I may have screwed up. When I saw on here how the ladies liked the dad bod I went and got 3.
did everyone just forget about the part of 2016 when literal clowns would chase people with knives in public and nobody really did anything
Rob thank god you picked up! Hey remember when you said if I needed a place to crash I cou- hold on *to copilot* STOP CRYING, ROB WILL HELP
Anyone else having a near life experience today?
Bend over and take it like a taxpayer.
I feel it
My father one time told me to go apologize to the neighbor for being mouthy so I went and told her my father says he’s sorry.
Me: *holding my pet rat who is wearing full karate gear* Oh RAP battle, that makes more sense.
If I were a mob boss, I’d ask my henchmen to meet me down by the docks, then surprise them with a day of water skiing
Just had lunch with my 3rd grader at her school. She got embarrassed when I tried to kiss her. So, like any good mom, I started twerking.
Safety first
Me: I’ve reached the point of no return.
Librarian: Nice try, pal.
[Arriving late to work]
Boss: *looks at watch* fourth day this week
Me: also known as Thursday, Jerry
After weeks of late night cheese benders…Brenda couldn’t help but wonder…where did it all go wrong
Every guy feels macho in his car. Until he races a woman who’s late for something.
BREAKING: Swiss Police confirm that, when arrested, all seven FIFA officials threw themselves on the ground and pretended to be injured.
Kid: *spills cereal all over the floor*
My husband: Can you grab the vacuum cleaner?
Me: Sure *whistles for the dog*
So many people say “if my memory serves me correctly” and I’m actually quite shocked at the amount of servants named Memory…….
Teacher: Your son said the s word in class today.
Me: Seriously?
Teacher: No. Shit. He said shit.
My problem with the 15 minute city is what are you supposed to do with the rest of the day?
[300 consecutive hours sitting at the same table]
waiter: [out of breath] and those are our local craft brews
When someone says they’ve been married for 20 beautiful years, I like to ask them “so how many years total?”
Her: I’m breaking up with you
Me: Don’t leave me oh please! Why?
Her: It’s the way you have to arrange every sentence you say alphabetically, it’s weird.
Me: No oh 🙁
putting lotion on isn’t making your skin any less dry because you’re only addressing a symptom and not the source of the problem. You gotta drink that shit
Mugger: give me your wallet and you won’t get hurt
Me: *handing over wallet* wanna be my friend?
Mugger: no
Me: *taking wallet back* but you said :’(
[The inventor of the hot air balloon]
You know what we need under this hot blazing fire, a wicker basket
[rolls down car window]
“Sir there’s a baby on your roof!”
Wait, if the baby is there… [sees coffee strapped in car seat]
Oh thank god!
Y’all will never guess what her husband bought her. I’m hollering!!
I don’t care how bad it looks in the casket I want to pay the boatman with fettuccine alfredo
I do believe I’m an Empath. I can always sense when someone I’m attacking is in a bad mood.