I ruined our romantic honeymoon to Venice by pronouncing canal wrong the whole time. You know how. You get it. I grow weary of this website
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My kid’s preschool has us practicing Christmas program songs in September so if you see me in October walking around looking like a hot mess mumbling Christmas lyrics just hand me alcohol or put me out of my misery
Making pizza she asked “why are you putting extra cheese on it?”
And that was the last time she was invited over.
Did you have a good day or did you grab a rotisserie chicken at the market that wasn’t sealed and the juice spilled all over your feet? And you were wearing flip flops.
Me: Remember how you said childbirth felt like the worst pain I could think of, multiplied by a hundred?
Wife: Yes
Me: My mom gave away a hundred of my Pokémon cards
Wife:
Me: *crying* I get it now, babe
Wife: That was so nice of you to chop wood for all the neighbors
Me: RANDOM AXE OF KINDNESS
writers really said: what if homework… was a career.
My boss is getting the whole team a license to kill, hoping that we’ll Bond.
Neutrons are the Switzerland of subatomic particles.
[watching paint dry]
“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”
Year 2142: Meat eaters have died out. Vegans survive.
2143: Everyone is dead b/c the vegans couldn’t tell anyone else that they were vegan.
Clearly the people that design refrigerators don’t know me if they think 1 tiny cheese drawer & 2 giant vegetable drawers is the way to go.
If Ariana Grande made a lot of money selling designer chokers her song would have been called Thank U, Necks
thank god the sign was there
Pilot [over intercom]: This is your captain speaking, since you are here for 14 hours anyway, here is the first season of my podcast.
My phone autocorrected “people” to “pricks” because my phone knows all of you
I want cake, to get cake I must get dressed, to get dressed I have to get out of bed, to get out of bed I need cake.
Parkour is the act of moving through an environment in the fastest way possible. It’s all about speed and efficiency.
Now imagine the opposite of that. The slowest, least efficient way, to get to where you need to go. That’s what happens when my kid says he’s taking a shortcut.
I don’t hate people for their skin, creeds or heritage. I hate them based on how fond they are of Minions.
Interviewer: give me an example of when you’ve been a team player
Me: once my friend wanted to sleep with this girl but she was married
Interviewer: and you?
Me: distracted her husband with an interview
Someone asked me what I was doing this weekend and I panicked at the thought of making plans so I said I was doing my taxes
If people aren’t honking at you to go on the green light, you aren’t doing social media right.
all the apology videos are terrible because the people capable of writing a good apology are on strike.
19: ‘Um, is it weird that the milk just backed away when I reached for it?’
Me: ‘It’s fine.’
NINE MONTHS LATER, A FIRE TRUCK WAS BORN
There are very few things more embarrassing than finding out you’ve been doing something the wrong way your entire life.
I’m disgusted every time someone does a gender reveal and it’s a gender I already know about, what kind of reveal is that
Knuckle tats:
(M)(Y)(P)(A)(R)(E)(N)(T)(S)
(W)(E)(R)(E)(R)(E)(L)(A)(T)(E)(D)
At what point were people buying hotcakes so fast it set the bar?
me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what