I run down a hospital corridor, clutching the mustard dispenser I liberated from the cafeteria.
Earlier I had a plan. Now I have mustard.
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I grew up in the 70s. If there was a bowl of fruit on the kitchen table it was made out of plastic and lead paint
My husband came home at 5:47am & wanted to know why his key wasn’t working. You don’t live here anymore. That’s why.
Placing quotations in “different spots” really give others the “false idea,” especially when I’m talking about their “wife.”
There is really no good way to work “garçon” into dirty talk and yet that hasn’t stopped me from trying.
[Giving my kid some valuable life advice] If you’re having cereal for dinner, you have at least two bowls. Otherwise it’s just a snack.
ALERT
At 9:20am, I lost an apostrophe.
Last seen in the word “Let’s”.
If you see it, please send it home.
Its tweet misses it.
I’m not saying it’s been a while, I’m just saying I completely blanked on the name of my gym
Party hack: Let your guests know it’s time to leave by having your child play a musical instrument.
baker: making perfect baked goods is all about precise measurements
me: cool can i get a dozen muffins pls?
baker: sure thing *hands me 13 muffins*
Buying a new phone isn’t even satisfying anymore. It’s literally just your old phone with a haircut.
[Hair Salon]
Stylist: What would you like?
Me: I want it 2 inches longer all over.
Hesitated so much at the rap battle, the DJ called me Erminem.
Failed my Politics exam. “Describe the role that India plays in the modern world”.
Apparently “Tech Support” is not the correct answer.
People are lot less judgey when you say you ate an ‘avocado salad’ instead of a bowl of guacamole
INTERVIEWER: What happened at your last job?
ME: I was fired for being too literal.
I: How have you supported yourself since then?
M: Legs.
You should never donate to people that collect money for marathons.
They just take your money and run.
[whale watching]
whale: can someone close the drapes please? He’s back again
Wife & son backing out in the car,
4yo: “So LONG, suckers!” [slams garage door]
4yo [opens door again]: “Not you Mommy!”
Me on a dinner date: be cool, be cool, be cool…..
*dips cookie in barbecue sauce
My husband just asked me in the kindest voice if I wanted some water, and I said, “You know, I’d love some water?” And I turned around and he was carrying the dog’s water bowl to her….(Reader, he was not asking me if I wanted water.)
If I hit the lottery, prepare for a beef jerky shortage.
I finally figured out why the neighbor’s house is always so clean:
My kids don’t live there.
can’t see: birdbox
can’t talk: a quiet place
can’t touch: this
The only time your man will surprise you is when you specifically tell him what you want.
Mailman: whatcha doing
Me: I’m going fishing for my neighbor Larry
Mailman: you mean WITH your neighbor
Me [casting a sausage link into Larry’s mail slot]: he likes chorizo the most
Airlines: Your ticket is $300. Oh, you would like to bring clothes with you? How extravagant! That will be an additional $50.
“Daddy, did you know Pluto was recently reclassified as a dwarf planet, or plutoid?”
“Sweetie, I’m pretty sure he’s a dog.”
My favorite bra broke and now I feel like there’s no one left to support me.
My Jehovah Witness girlfriend dumped me this new year, but I’m not that worried though.
She’ll come back knocking!!!