Crush calls.
Me: *Googles: how to lose 50lbs overnight*
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[Millennial Antiques Roadshow]
Appraiser: The beige color & stretched coils indicate this was the cord to a…landline phone.
*crowd gasps
It’s important to be comfortable in your own skin…
Because, apparently, it’s illegal to wear someone else’s.
My kids said they wanted to try something new this summer so I showed them how to vacuum & do laundry.
Tonight we discovered 9 memorized my phone code and 6 memorized my husband’s code.
They’re working together, we’re in trouble.
“What’s wrong with our country?”
OBAMA!
“Who are we going to reelect in 2012?”
OBAMA!
My daughter lost her first tooth today and has not stopped crying since. Why she didn’t punch me back I have no idea
I said I was thinking about you. I left out the part with the wood chipper.
exciting texts to get from your friends
• “can I tell you something petty”
• “you are not gonna believe who I just saw”
• “this is going to sound ridiculous but”
• “ok so”
• just your name in all caps and then the typing bubble up for a long time
The audacity of my parents’ oldies station now playing 80s music.
Just walked past two South Asian men in the street who were reading out the individual components of a full English breakfast from a restaurant menu and absolutely weeping with laughter
Saw 8 vasectomy billboards on my 4 hour road trip through Florida yesterday. It’s like Florida knows what has to be done to Florida.
If you guys are missing any mugs, they’re all on my husband’s nightstand
Something crazy about Hollywood’s silent film age is that a guy will be driving a train off a cliff while being attacked by lions and you’ll think “Wow, how’d they do that effect!” then you look it up and they literally had lions attack a guy while he drove a train off a cliff
They should sell edibles at the airport with the slogan “make every flight a red eye”. This would make approximately 600 billion dollars
Describing a female colleague to your GF, saying “you know, the hot blond” is conducive to sofa sleeping.
Even if I’m mad at my wife I should be mature enough not to flush the toilet on purpose while she’s in the shower, but it turns out I’m not.
wife: [steps out of time machine] my god you’ve aged horribly
me: u didn’t even turn it on
“What if we just throw some pretty-colored marshmallows in with some cat food?”
-inventor of Lucky Charms
“you look nervous” thanks i’ve been practicing my whole life
me: our first night as man and wife
bride: you know what that means 😉
me: yep, I can finally show you *pulls mouse from pocket* this
bride: what
me: I dressed him up to look like will ferrel
spouse: why
me: cause I’ve been saving mice elf for marriage
Hey starbucks I’m not using your made up language give me a medium beanwater
A spider ran across my foot and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in a men’s Target bathroom.
Jerry, we tried, but we were never a perfect fit.
You’re part of a cactus and I’m a piece of a skull in the lower left-hand corner, I think.
-puzzle pieces breaking up
When you forgot you made garlic sauce with the sour cream, and then proceed to bake banana bread.
Anyone want some garlic banana bread?
Medusa was the absolute worst when it came to objectifying people.
In Good Will Hunting, Ben Affleck goes to Matt Damon’s house every day but secretly hopes he isn’t there. I have a similar thing with one of my friends. Whenever I go to his house, I secretly hope Matt Damon isn’t there.
[yelling from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] anytime u want to talk about poor boundaries i’m ready
Thursday Thought.
Me:
Remember when we didn’t have electronics in our face all the time? Sometimes I miss that.Also me:
My pizza delivery tracking won’t load?
I AM NOT MADE FOR THIS PRIMITIVE WAY OF LIFE.
How the hell did Charles Manson get like 16 people to murder for him? I can’t even get two kids to brush their teeth.