I run from my car all the way to the front door of McDonald’s because fitness is a lifestyle
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Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
*wife comes out in a robe*
I’m hiding your present
Yes it’s wrapped
Nooo, it’s not in the fridge
[5 minutes later]
IT’S NOT IN THE FRIDGE!
My husband ran 13 miles this morning for fun. I had cookies for breakfast. It’s nice to be the sane one for a change.
Top Six Uses Of Strategic Planning:
6. Politics
5. Sports
4. Investing
3. Business
2. Military
1. Returning home from guys/girls night out
Jury duty
[Burps] Wow, excuse me.
Judge: You’re excu-STOP THAT!
Everyone was texting her good morning sunshine, so I texted her “good morning solar eclipse”
Yeah, don’t do that.
Vampire: Velcome to your 500s, you keep forgetting garlic can keel you.
America. Where assault weapons will protect your family, but two dudes getting married will destroy your family.
Is there a hand sanitizer out there that can kill the 0.01% germ?
i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt hav any chicken so i fried a egg and now im waitig for it to hatch
every single time
[Robot Uprising]
Human: Oh no a robot! What kind are you?
Robot: I am a counting machine
Human: Oh thank g—
Robot: Now killing human #53822
FOR THE LAST TIME, MY EYES ARE UP HERE
I yelled at my gynecologist
Sawing a hole in the bottom of a table to steal someone’s cake is way harder than it looks on cartoons.
If it weren’t for the gutter, my mind would be homeless.
How do I raise my kids? Simple, I grab them under their arm pits, bend at the knees and stand up, how else would you do it?
Just remember, you’re my “plus one,” and not my “hostage.”
If I were a professional soccer player, I would simply pick up the ball. My opponents’ kicks would be useless as I held the ball high above my head. They would beg me to release it but I would not relent. Then, just as time expires, I would throw it into the net, sealing victory.
why is my iphone predictive text so obsessed with trying to get me to go to church… every time I say “how’s…” it suggests “church.” same for “just going…” and “I’m at…” is Apple trying to save me
dad: you losing weight
me: are you asking me bc i look skinnier or because i changed my diet
dad: yes
If you tell a sob story on American Idol they pick you, so it’s like Twitter
Maybe i’m not naked, maybe my pants are just invisible?
How to beat depression:
1) Talk to someone
2) When that person says “just cheer up,” beat that person with a baseball bat.
My son just asked me why anyone would want a “house phone” because they don’t even have any games on them. And then I died of old age
my idiot coworker was drinking a Smart Water and said “this doesn’t seem different than any other water, what a scam” so I can’t decide if he’s right or if the product actually works
The DMV is karma’s revenge for every traffic violation you’ve ever gotten away with.
And God said to John, come forth and ye shall be granted eternal life…..
But John came fifth and won a toaster.
Trump says that Obama founded ISIS but in his defense Donald thinks that founded is a synonym for “located”
I took a girlfriend to a fancy bakery for Valentine’s and she picked out a bunch of things that she then gave to her dad because she said sugary baked goods gave her yeast infections, so really I treated her dad to a really nice Valentine’s Day
[Donald Duck opens gift]
Daisy: It’s pants. Try them on!
Donald: [stands] STOP TRYING TO CHANGE ME WOMAN