I run from my car all the way to the front door of McDonald’s because fitness is a lifestyle
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Husband: you might want to start adding an occasional LOL
or I’m kidding
or smiley emoji
or I love you into your texts…so if anything ever happens to me it throws off the investigation.
My nickname is Gilette because I’m the best a man can get. Also, I will cut you
Mirror mirror on the floor, who’s the worst at home decor?
My sister thinks I should come see her new baby, but where was she when I got my new goldfish? Nice try sis.
HOT SINGLE MUMS IN YOUR AREA ARE LOOKING FOR YOU!
Oh god I hope it’s not another bake sale
I pooped in 8 stores today.
New record.
2 of them had restrooms.
Sometimes i think my life sucks. Then i look at the lives of others. Then it hits me. My life does suck!!
*goes to grocery store
*puts “gently used” sticker on all their cucumbers
[1994]
Me: 2020 is gonna be wild. Flying cars, robots everywhere, a technologically advanced utopia.
[2019]
Me: Ayyy my toaster can play the Goo Goo Dolls.
[stepping out of my apartment for the first time at 7 pm after being alone in there all day and not saying a word to anyone]
neighbor: hey there
me: greetums
You know you’re from New Jersey when going through security & they only wand your hair!
And then the devil said, “tell her to calm down.”
[job interview]
Look. First, you give me a job. Then I get paid. THEN I’ll be able to buy pants. I can’t just skip ahead to the last step.
I couldn’t remember the term “hazmat suit,” so I called it a “science burqa.”
Mechanic: that’s gonna cost $2000
Me: how much?
Mechanic: $3000
Me: what did you say before that
Mechanic: I said “that’s gonna cost”
There are so many of you I would love to hug and like two that I’m afraid they’d make me into a lampshade
Eternal damnation for the sorry acquaintance who cons you into watching his favorite film and keeps looking to see if you’re reacting.
Just Instagramed picture of a dog. Now I will have to eat it.
customs officer: anything to declare?
me (pulling blanket over elephant): umm just this blanket
*being mugged*
me: “im warning you, i know karate”
mugger made out of thin, stationary blocks of wood: “oh shit”
I always like to start an argument before a family road trip so no one speaks to me during the drive.
Most people think that T Rexes can’t clap because they have short arms, but really it’s because they’re dead…
Rooting for the overdog
LOL pills that say don’t take with alcohol. Ok Doc, how do YOU
suggest I take my medication then?
*starts the “Fight Fight Fight” chant in the background of the conference call as two people argue*
When I get old, I’m going to buy a monster costume to terrorize people for own personal gain, like a Scooby-Doo villain.
“Can you explain this gap in your resume?”
Me: [sitting on a toadstool, blowing smoke rings] whooooo areeeee youuuuuu
My neighbor told me I should start living my dreams so I had sex with his wife