I SAID: How’s vacation going?
MY PARENTS HEARD: I’ve got a couple hours, can you tell me every intricate detail about the weather? Start with the day you left.
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May your ex’s phone charger only ever work at a specific angle.
[breakfast]
ME: please pass the egg snow and the toast ketchup
WIFE: *reluctantly hands me the salt and jelly* you are really something else dude
Q: If everyone jumped off a cliff, would you?
A: I don’t know. If everyone used the same hypothetical question to demonstrate a point, would you?
Yo. I spit out my drink 😂
Don’t ask me if I’m participating in no nut November, call me when it’s time for Donut December
[holding baby] haha oh whoa i thought he’d be slimey but he’s really dry
TINDER DATE: When you said you looked exactly like you do in your profile pic, you weren’t lying.
ME: *kneeling outside the movie theatre, holding a fish* Nice to meet you, Rebecca.
Whales accidentally eat 8 people in their sleep every year
16th CENTURY KING: Fear not, for I have come
COURT JESTER: lol that’s what she spake
my grandpa lived on the ninth floor of his building and he’d still tell you to get off his lawn
“Thou shall keep swimming” -Nemonians 7:69
Awww it’s cute how your baby pulls my hair. Like she doesn’t realise I will pull hers right back.
women in PHLEGM (Philosophy, History, Languages, English Literature, Geography, Music)
So annoying how every time I go to sleep, my wife starts whispering into my ear “Go towards the light.”
Me: After all these years, I feel like all you offer me is false support
Limb technician:…well it’s kinda my job Greg, otherwise you’d be hopping home.
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I won’t stop quoting Spice Girls lyrics?
Wife:
Me: please, just tell me what you want what you really really want
Call me cute and I’ll bite your kneecap.
boss: sorry, we have to let you go
me: in the middle of a work retreat?
boss *severing my rock climbing rope*
76 vanilla wafers later.
“I don’t like these.”
When I was 15, I decided I was not going to be a grumpy old man when I grew up
I’m 55 now and I’m mad at cucumbers
“Sooth.”
-a soothsayer
What’s the proper salutation to use when writing a resignation letter to your children?
Ever since I learned the show is called Suits because of lawsuits and not because they wear suits, I have harbored a hot white rage within me beyond anything mankind has ever known.
Trust that the Hallmark Channel filmed three whole Christmas movies during the 10 minutes it was snowing in Burbank.
The Cleveland kidnapper was found dead in his cell. I guess being locked up against your will didn’t agree with him.
A large account followed me to thank me for a trophy through DM, then immediately unfollowed me. It must be exhausting to be Twitter elite.
me: spell “Fanshaw”
British person:
I’m now on year 3 of the ‘7 day ab challenge’
Even Benjamin Button would feel old by the time 2020 finally ends.
I just “shaved “both my legs with the little plastic cap still on the razor and didn’t notice until I was “finished” with the second leg.
I just scraped shaving cream off my legs like ice off a windshield.