Who, you ask, turns the AC on during a polar vortex? Sociopaths, fascist dictators, my boyfriend.
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I peeled off the sticker that said “Don’t consume alcohol while on medication.”
I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life.
Her: Treat me mean, do bad things to me!
Me: *changes the WiFi password*
[police raid at balloon store]
Cop on radio:”We can hear gunfire is everyone ok, over”
Hedgehog cop inside:”Its not gunfire, over”
i have quarantined a small hotdog within the confines of a small crescent roll which i have quarantined in my belly
An egg looks at another egg and says:
“Why are you so hairy?”
“Shut up, I’m a kiwi!”
#RubbishJokes #TuesdayVibe
[party]
me: ugh who invited that guy, he’s so childishher: he’s 7 and it’s his birthday
me: what is it boy?
my stomach: brrrggfkppr
me: you need food? vitamins and minerals? protein? fiber?
my stomach: hrrrbbb
me: would you settle for 89 potato chips?
What does stormtrooper armor protect against, exactly? Knives?
BREAKING: The BBC declares war on Italy
Every time someone says “it’s a vibe” I wish there were loopholes where murder was legal.
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
For the love of God, what is Jesus saving? Is it coupons? I bet it’s coupons
*first day working the gas pumps*
Me: ‘Paper or plastic?’
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
My 1-year-old has been beeping at me all morning.
I thought there was something wrong with her.
Turns out she’s being R2-D2.
*friend gets divorced Mon*
*friend goes on date Tues**I break up with boyfriend*
*15 years later I casually smile back at a stranger*
I was confused when my wife asked me what I spent $108 on at the liquor store. I answered “liquor?”
All is not a trick question. Apparently
Are people l still falling for diet pill schemes?
“Here, take this magical pill with a half gallon of water and you won’t be as hungry, guaranteed!”
Me: *typing* exercise
Autocorrect: extra fries
Me: this is better
Judging by the amount of times I accidently cut myself on sharp objects it’s probably just as well real lightsabers aren’t available yet.
[INTERVENTION]
Them: You’re addicted to Doritos. We think you need help.
Me: THIS IS NACHO PROBLEM
ME: wow your correct
FRIEND: *you’re
ME: -ions are presumptuous
*is somehow finally able to leave Hotel California*
FRONT DESK: ok that will be $382,197,067.92
– Fred, Velma, Shaggy… Can you name one of the ‘Big 5’ African animals?
– Rhino
– We know you do, Scooby, but it’s not your team’s turn
Mother Using Facebook Night Mode Afraid She’s Stumbled Onto Dark Web
I pretend to be asleep then I actually fell asleep.
Now I’ll pretend I’m skinny.
The children seemed disappointed when I told them the best part about being an adult is going to bed early.
For Halloween I’m putting on a fishnet body stocking and going as a bag of onions.