I sat down beside this guy in a diner, every time he went to take a bite of his sandwich I’d say nomnomnom. He left. Making friends is hard.
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Me: *giving blood*
Nurse: *reluctantly accepting another barrel* whose is this?
WIFE: how old is your daughter?
WIFE’S FRIEND: she’s eight going on nine.
ME: *whispering* That’s how numbers work
I would like to confirm to the 14yo me that the best thing about being an adult is going to bed when you want.
I’ll omit the bit about it being 7:30pm.
I stopped smoking cigarettes six years go.
I eat them now.
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
Boss: What are you doing here on a Saturday??
Me (eating leftovers from fridge): …reports.
I’m really enjoying that the innate desire to deploy awful people into space has finally started to become a reality
DOCTOR: a new study says the meds ur on cause hallucinations
ME: oh
LARGE MENACING CACTUS THAT FOLLOWS ME EVERYWHERE: was it peer reviewed?
Psssst. You guys. When Canada is sleeping we should sneak up there and remove the all the U keys from their keyboards.
[leaning over and kissing my spouse’s forehead]
“Rest in peace.”
My spouse opens their eyes: I really don’t like it when you kiss me goodnight that way.
I’m not like other girls. I am Mothman.
Hey dude, can i borrow your laptop? I want to shop for a new computer but it feels cruel to do that on the one I’m replacing.
Hey, cooking directions on the sides of packages: Nobody knows the wattage of their microwave.
Billy Joel’s Friend: bill i hate that we’ve kept this from you, but.. we started the fire
Billy Joel: and you just LET me write that song?
I’m a GROWN MAN. I’m on my GROWN MAN SHIT. I am COLD and DISORIENTED cause I got out of the shower but I can’t dry off cause all my towels are in the WASHER.
My phone told me my screen time was up 82% last week and honestly nobody asked you
An OnlyFans but for bedtime stories.
*yawns so wide a bird flies into mouth*
*closes mouth*
*looks around to see if anyone noticed*
*swallows bird*
*acts like nothing happened*
Goodnight moon, goodnight stars, goodnight perfectly normal Purple Rain album cover where Prince’s eyes follow u across the room
“A little help here, Danny?”
It turns out that when you’re asked which kid is your favorite, you’re expected to pick from your own. I know that now.
*Opening presents
1986: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
2016: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
My safe word is “I WANT YOUR BABIES”
When you’re friend recommends a guy who can fix it for less
The guy:
Imagine the headless horsemen only its me running into everything waving my arms while trying to get my head through my sweater before bed.
“Is there a Mr. Fields?” I say to my twelfth cookie, all the while knowing she’s all mine.
[4:30 AM]
Wife: I thought I told you to rock the baby to sleep
Me: *turning down Enter Sandman* What does it look like I’m doing, Karen
Remember before Ebola, when we just had bola? Technology changes everything.
inventor of shirts: sleeves are awesome
inventor of vests: disagree
inventor of turtlenecks: there should be three of them
Walk into the club like whatup OWW
Walk into the mace like what DAMN
Walk into the sword like wha *dies*
*flunks gladiator school*