When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?
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ME: Then the robber came thru the door holding a gun
COP: Was it a revolver?
ME [thinks] No he just pushed it open & walked thru like normal
Me: Should I measure this in miles or kilometers?
Scientist: It doesn’t matter right now just pick something.
Me: What do you mean just pick something??
Scientist: Desperate times call for desperate measures.
Me: So, what was the issue?
Plumber: You had hundreds of Q-tips clogging your toilet.
Me:
Plumber:
Me: *sheepishly* I ran out of toilet paper.
If you were ever wondering what that last doughnut is doing while it listens to you eat its siblings…
Getting murdered would be scary, but not as scary as if the forensic guy with the white chalk would trace my body fatter than I really was
Melons are like: You have no way of knowing how I am on the inside. Take me home, honey. Buy me
Garlic and bread is the only marriage I truly have faith in.
Happy Thanksgiving and remember, unless your turkey is applying for a passport, you don’t need to take a photo of it.
WAITER: may i suggest the steak
VAMPIRE: no you certainly may not
Teens be like, “You know that crumbled up piece of paper that’s been on the table all week? I need it for school.”
Before the “accident” they were Duran Duran Duran
Comments other people make during a movie are annoying.
Comments I make during a movie enhance the experience.
Someone said “30 years ago”, and my mind went to the 1970s, but they meant 1994, and now I need to lie down.
DOCTOR: you have leprosy
ME: *lmao*
[Before the post office was invented]
SOME GUY: I need someone to deliver an important document
PIGEON: *simply existing*
SOME GUY: You seem trustworthy
My kid just called me by “hey you” and I saw all my other kids and the dogs turn and walk out of the room faster than they’ve ever walked before.
The bath is too wet
– reason 101 my toddler is tantruming
You: I got a headache.
WebMD: It’s gonna be your last one.
Why would I want to talk to your baby? On the phone. It’s a baby. If I wanted to hear random noises when I talk, I have a husband for that.
Every work meeting this week
Patient: I’m going to miss you. If I need anything how do I reach you?
Me: Pentagram and a dead goat
If I ask “Where’s the remote?” & you say “Next to the TV,” you get a punch in the throat becuz THAT’S THE OPPOSITE OF WHY WE HAVE A REMOTE.
Me: (after eating 12 fudgesicles)
Ok. Time to get to work.You: You can actually buy popsicle sticks at any craft store.
Me: Don’t question my art.
*holds up bread* this is my body
*holds up wine* this is my blood
*holds up fire* and this is my mixtape
EARTH: hey there buddy why so sad?
ME: climate change is ravaging human existence with endless waves of disaster
EARTH: great just checking
My baby’s daycare teacher said tomorrow is pajama day which is awkward because I send him wearing pajamas every day
Adding the word “farmhouse” to a table or piece of furniture allows you to charge $1000 for it.
I have the eyebrows of a much more unstable woman
20s: I do yoga so I can be better in bed
30s: I do yoga so I can get out of bed