FYI – so it IS illegal to put a skylight on the 5th floor of an 8th floor apartment building
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Him: You’re not the sharpest tool in the shed, are you darlin?
Me: HOW DARE Y… Wait, did you just call me darlin
When a man gets married he has a moral obligation to scare his wife when he sneezes.
[Day after Xmas]
7am: I am detoxing today, only fruit and liquids for me
9am: There are worse things than eating 14 cookies for breakfast
[Traffic Stop]
Cop: Sir, please step out of the car
Me: But you said…
Cop: I said 3 minutes tops & you promised not to touch the siren.
The next time someone sneezes, please don’t say ‘God bless you.’
I just…I just need a day off from the sneezes, is that too much to ask?
“Sir, are you interested in the satellite radio upgrade?”
…uhhhh, for driving in space?
Too ugly for insta too stupid for twitter too stiff for tiktok
Let’s play a game. You go hide. And I’ll go take a nap.
[a handsome man falls and cuts his hand]
Me: *tries to rip the hem of my dress to make a bandage, like a Regency heroine, but I’m too weak*
My wife really is the sunshine of my life.
Too bad I’m a vampire.
Many people are shocked when they find out I’m not a good electrician.
Sometimes you’re amazed at how smart your 3 year old is, and sometimes you tell her that her shoes are on the wrong feet and she takes them off and gives them to her brother to put on.
My wife’s left me for being too clingy & needy.😢
No wait, she’s back. She hadn’t left me, she was just making a cup of tea.God I missed her.
Me: I’m sitting down to read and have my coffee. Don’t come in here unless it’s an emergency. I want 15 minutes.
[12 seconds later]
“MOOOMMMM! HE’S BUILDING A FORCE FIELD AROUND ME”
Me: What’s the first step of fire safety?
4-year-old: Stay away from dragons.
Me:
4:
Me: Well, obviously.
I just think mosquitos should go vegan and stop eating me alive
The strongest muscle in the human body is the tongue. Keep that in mind next time you find yourself in a scuffle.
there’s two types of people inthe world: cops who are a week from retirement and robbers who want to go straight but have to do one last job
Pro tip: if you want to get away with one word replies in work emails, just change the signature in your desktop email to ‘Sent from my phone’
Glade bathroom spray- because everyone loves the smell of someone crapping on a rose bush.
Going down to the shelter today to adopt a rotisserie chicken
somewhere, in an alternate universe
imagine a store where you can steal anything for free. if you steal it, it’s yours. to make it exciting, if you get caught, they arrest you
*pulling shredded cheese out of the bag one by one* they fw me they fw me not
And in today’s episode of “Why is your toddler crying?”:
It’s “the balloon exploded without asking for permission”
Boss: We’re doing a role-playing exercise today
Me: *dressed as a sexy nurse* Hell yeah
Boss: My office please
Me: Ooooh
Boss: Not like that
[looking for our lost son in the mall]
ME: we should split up and find him
WIFE: *serves me with divorce papers*
4: I’M GONNA RIP YOUR EYEBALLS OUT
Me: Stop yelling violent things
4: *whispers* I’m gonna rip your eyeballs out
Dance like you didn’t file your tax return.