I saved a ton of money on cool sports cars, vacation getaways and NFL season tickets by having children.
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Kids: Can we go outs-
Me and wife, together: YES PLEASE
My bathroom scales need a new home. They weigh you 30 pounds over, and have slight damage from being thrown out a window, but aside from that, they’re fine.
She’s got a great personality!
It’s the other 6 personalities that I’m worried about….
I’m not the girl you should put on speakerphone.
I went to the Army Surplus store and they didn’t have a single extra soldier for sale. Come on. False advertising much? Old Navy can take a flying leap too.
I wonder what song the Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make a bikini top?
Me: people never seem to remember meeting me.
Therapist: it’s amazing how the brain deals with trauma.
Remembering the time a guy asked me out but he was really cute so I panicked and replied “I can’t, I forgot to buy cheese”
Everytime someone says that token sentence “let me know if I can do anything for you” praying you don’t ask, ask for a mortgage payment.
Damn gurl, are you a wildfire? Because you just took my breath away
In Scotland we don’t like our revenge as a dish served cold, we like it deep fried.
We have tornado weather coming towards us right now and my kids are being so annoying I think I’m gonna go stand outside.
Email subject line: “Your invited.” Thanks, I’ll bring an apostrophe and an e.
If you encounter a bear DON’T RUN. Maintain eye contact. Keep maintaining it. Fall in love. Marry the bear. Tell story to your grandbearbies
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
When you get to Customs and they ask if you have anything to declare, “Thumb War” is not the answer they were looking for.
The cable guy was on my street and asked me what time it was.
I told him it’s between 8am and 12pm.
Dragons aren’t evil; they’re just upset that they can’t enjoy Popsicles and other frozen treats.
8 year old touching under her eye: Mom, what is it called when your eyes look tired?
Me: It’s “you have bags under your eyes” but you don’t have any, baby.
8 year old: I know, but you do.
FUN FACT: A collection of Russell Crowe movies is called a murder of movies.
When people are trending on twitter, I know that they died or said something racist.
Satan: And this is the TV room.
Me: This isn’t so bad. *turns on TV*
*only thing showing is golf*
Pasta aisle is cleaned out because that’s all most people know how to cook.
At first I felt loved when the wife called me a trophy until I saw her google taxidermist
My hobbies include knitting and leaving one star reviews on recipes when I used different ingredients and different techniqes and it turned out gross.
Who called it cryptocurrency instead of “Bits Betta Have My Money”?