@KentWGraham: I saved a ton of money on cool sports cars, vacation getaways and NFL season tickets by having children.
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@d2BMcG: I've not smoked weed in two year, during that time I've completed sooooo much ...................... drunk
@GerryMcBride: Judas: The one I kiss is Jesus Christ. Soldier: You can just point to him. Judas: (putting on lip-balm) I don't tell you how to do your job.
@shadygeekdad: When I know I've posted a great tweet, I walk away from my phone in slow motion like I'm Jason Statham walking from an explosion.
@TheDeducers: Grammar Nazi hiding in Argentina captured after being baited on social media with an inappropriate you're usage