I saved a ton of money on cool sports cars, vacation getaways and NFL season tickets by having children.
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No wonder chickens can’t fly
STOP EATING THEIR WINGS
Professor X: what’s your super power?
Me: hindsight
Professor X: that’s not going to help us
Me: yes I see that now
Boss: It’s Labor Day. Everyone gets the day off to celebrate all the hard work they do during the year.
Me: Is that why I’m-
Boss: That’s why you’re working.
Instill fear in your spouse by telling them they talk in their sleep.
*gets filled with hope*
Hope: *has a leak*
wife: its ruining date night
me: its ruining date night because you’re letting it ruin date night
hitchhiker: just drop me off on the corner
I’m being attacked 😭
Empathic Friend: Oh honey, you’ve got a lot on your plate
Me: I got the buffet 🤭
I think my wife got us a babysitter because she didn’t think I’d sit on the baby correctly
INVENTOR: behold the umbrella! it protects only your head & chest from rain
CEO: wow
I: so fragile it cannot withstand any wind
C: i love it
[gazing into The mirror of Erised]
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*
You know you’re sick when your girlfriend asks if you’re feeling okay instead of the usual eye roll after spitting up a lung.
Her: Have we been to that restaurant?
Me: hmm damn I’m not sure.
Her: It’s cute how you cross your arms when you’re thinking. Also, please put your hands on the steering wheel, you’re going 84.
“I’m not good enough.”
-Implies this is as good as you will ever be
-Does not acknowledge your hard work
-Ends your journeyPunching the ground and declaring “I…I must get stronger!” like in anime
-Sets goals
-Recognizes how far you’ve come
-Useful for defeating the Demon King
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Shhh!-Librarians arguing
If an interviewer asks you: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” say “I don’t know, did you see me pull up in a DaLorean?”
Everyone’s all up in arms about how undemocratic the electoral college is and yet we let our weather be decided by A SINGLE UNELECTED GROUNDHOG??!!?!?
My kid told me my handwriting looked sarcastic, then corrected himself and said cursive, but he was closer the first time.
Am I romantic?
I do the rose petal thing but I use potato salad.
So, I don’t know.
You tell me.
Had a dream I went to the chiropractor in a shirt that showed some of my back.
Chiropractor: Do you think you have a fungus on your back?
Me: Do YOU think I have a fungus on my back? YOU’RE looking at it.
my kid, carrying one small toy and a water bottle: mom, can you get my backpack, my hands are really full
me, carrying 8 grocery bags:
velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
What do you do when you’re soul searching and can’t find one?
It’s widely known that some members of a prison population become well-read and crafty with words.
Sometimes you can mix prose with cons.
If you don’t want to marry me, why did you sit next to me on this bus?
[Every restaurant ever]
Manager: “Has he got a mouthful of food?”
Waiter: “Yes.”
Manager: “Go and ask him how his meal is.”
Mrs. Kowalski left the class mortified, unable to believe just how badly she’d misinterpreted what they had meant by Pole dancing.
Everyone seems so happy for you until they realize your baby carrier is just filled with mozzarella sticks.
I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus: A Guide For Talking To Your Children About Polyamory
I’ve been yelling for years.
Now I’m convinced.
I’m definitely the only one here playing Marco Polo.