I saved a ton of money on cool sports cars, vacation getaways and NFL season tickets by having children.
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Today I learned Amazon orders deliver quicker if you press send on the order?
GRANDPA: I have shrapnel stuck in my head from World War II
ME: I’ve had that Chumbawamba song stuck in my head since 1997 so I feel ya
Surgeon: I’m unable to perform this surgery. I’ve only got 10,000 spoons, when all I need is a knife.
[First day working in an optometrists]
Me: They’re called reading glasses but they don’t actually read. You still have to do that.
Optometrist: Can I see you in my office?
Me: *nudges customer* I would hope so lol
For people who say “nothing is impossible”, that’s crazy. I’ve been successfully doing nothing for several years now.
Interviewer: Are you good at staying calm in stressful situations?
Me: I’m not good at staying calm in relaxing situations.
You’re the unreachable booger of people.
“Lady In Red” is my favorite song about a guy that’s trying to get laid even though he can’t remember her goddamn name.
*tumbles down basement stairs, laundry flying everywhere*
Me: *whispers through pain* parkour…
If you carry a clipboard, put a pen behind your ear, wear a stopwatch around your neck, and, depending on where you are, wear either a lab coat or a reflective safety vest you can pretty much walk right in anywhere you like.
waking up to good morning texts from your partner is great and all, but have you ever woken up to a message from Amazon confirming that your package will be delivered today?
I wish the dude that jogs around my neighborhood all day would wear a Super Mario costume. And occasionally duck into sewers.
I’m not a helicopter mom.
I’m more of a “come & get me only if there’s blood” kind of mom.
*daughter reading
*son playing ipod
*dog sleeping
*house quiet
*I go take a dump
FISTFIGHT BREAKS OUT, DOG’S ON FIRE
*gets called a psychopath
*googles “What’s the average IQ of a psychopath?”AWWW, HE THINKS I’M REALLY SMART.
I mistook a flash flood warning for a neighboring town as a “flash mob” announcement. So, when I showed up for it, I looked stupid.
And my shoes got wet.
BOSS: I’m sorry mike, but you’ve been downsized
ME: (75% of my original size, in a voice 125% higher pitched) ahh maaan
Dear whoever ate my fries while I was in the ball pit at Macdonald’s. Not funny, grow up.
In my defense, I never said that I had “completed the project.” I said that I was “done working on it.” Two totally different things.
Are you watching too much T.V but not doing enough reading? Turn your subtitles on. Boom, problem solved!
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
a baby cow is called a calf bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no further questions.
9-year-old: I missed a word on my spelling test.
Me: That’s okay. I used to have trouble spelling.
9: But then you got better?
Me: No. I got spell check.
Ice skating is like walking in cursive
Me: I picked up Oliver from doggy daycare.(talking to dog) I’d never forget you. No I wouldn’t.
Husband: Did you pick up the kids from your mom’s house?
Me: …Kids?
You want just one cow for those magic beans? Idk, I’m suspicious, magic beans sounds like the sort of thing that would cost 2 cows.
My current body type is you can sorta tell I work out, but you can also tell that I don’t turn down cake.
Every time I see a dude in a trench coat i assume he’s going to flash me. When it doesn’t happen, I assume he’s just a spy
Don’t let people tell you that you can’t give up. You totally can. I do it all the time.
Don’t you hate it when you claw your way out of your grave just to realize you left your keys in the coffin?