I saved a ton of money on cool sports cars, vacation getaways and NFL season tickets by having children.
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Me: your dress is too revealing
Wife: wear your own clothes then
They say a long, tight hug releases endorphins to make you feel calm and happy.
I think the guy in front of me at this DMV would disagree.
I’ve made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I never ate candy corn on purpose.
do I regret it, Carol? Hell, I don’t even remember gretting it the first time!
What base is it when he watches you slip off your bar stool with a mouthful of nachos?
Her: I’d love to be a kept woman.
Me: [trying to impress] I happen to have a basement I use for keeping women.
*Robber runs into Chipotle*
GIMME THE MONEY IN THE REGISTER
“Is this for here or to go?”
Uh. To go
“Do you want guac?”
Sure
“It’s extra”
i’d give up everything to be a small anthropomorphic woodland animal wearing victorian clothes living in a little house in a meadow and my neighbour is a goose wearing a bonnet and my only worry is will my apple pie be ready for when mrs owl comes visit me for tea time
Why are sports teams named after animals? Why can’t it be the Atlanta Cherry Blossoms… or the Denver Lettuce Wraps.. ?
No, I am not okay. Facebook just showed me something I posted 10 years ago.
Trump says he’ll make Oasis pay for a wonder wall.
Whoa 😂
wife: Don’t be an idiot
me: IT’S NOT A CHOICE, SARAH
[mastercard commercial]
“there are some things that money can’t buy”politician: i don’t get it
<~>Fortune Cookie<~>
We see you put egg roll from buffet in purse. Very bad woman.
Friend just told me she got a hair trim for $80. Told her my dog groomer would’ve bathed her, clipped nails & emptied anal glands for less.
Genie: you get three wishes
Dog: I wish I was inside
Genie: two wishes
Dog: I wish I was outside
Genie: one wish
Dog:
Genie:
Dog: I wish I was inside
CEO: we’re shutting down 60 offices to save $$ and everyone will work at home.
me: cool. do i get a bigger raise next year then?
CEO: haha no. but we will give you your office chair for free
DIET TIP: don’t eat chips right out of the bag. Get out just enough to eat until the pizza guy gets there.
a few weeks ago I faked an Irish accent at the bar & ended up meeting a guy from Ireland that night. since then I contemplated if he was faking it or not & I just found him on tinder and his bio says if he gets drunk enough he fakes an Irish accent. I’ve found my soulmate y’all!!
When the stylist spins you back around
Neo is 57-years-old he’s definitely taking the blue pills.
Someone in Australia please tell me how my hair cut turns out tomorrow.
Give a man a roll of toilet paper, he wipes for a day
Give a man a CVS receipt, he wipes for a lifetime
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty
Playdates were invented to force parents to clean their home
If I ever get burned at the stake, I’m filling my pockets with popcorn kernels to make a nice snack for the audience.
I’m not one to kink shame but I just found out my boyfriend has a new fetish for sleeping with other women.
Be careful on the roads out there guys. Someone t-boned my car and I can’t tell you how scary it was.
Me: is everything ok you seem distant
Them: that’s the wrong end of the binoculars