@ambamthankyamam: I saved my husband's life insurance company 1 million dollars by switching to xanax.
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@Reverend_Scott: [firing squad] Any last requests? "Here's my mixtape, if u like it, will u let me live?" Yes. *listens* Oh man that's FIRE *gunshots*
@Stellacopter: [at heaven's gate] God: Tell me why I should let u in Me: I've never made anyone look at my baby's ultrasound pic God: You can have my bed
@GloriaFallon123: A woman told me at dinner she liked me because I'm "not afraid to eat bread"--so I'm done with socializing for at least a year thanks
@bencoffeehall: I have learned to accept that my parents are "Santa," but I still have no idea how they get to all those other houses.