@ElgatoEsmio: I saved time doing yard work by renaming the weeds "plants"
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@tamytoo2: Actual text from 17 y/o son: kin u com bi nd swoop me? I hope he means hit him with my car, because that's the plan
@sirmunchie: Me to my Boss: Excuse me, sir, can I ask a stupid question. Boss: Better than anyone else I know...
@evanrhorne: "Chocolate is so yummy it'd probably taste good on mothballs." - inventor of Whopper Candies.
@AndyAsAdjective: [at checkout counter] Would ya like to donate $1 to- -No But you didn't let me finish -Is it $1 toward you shutting your mouth? No -Then no