@ElgatoEsmio: I saved time doing yard work by renaming the weeds "plants"
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@jwomackou: Wife: how'd you get that burn on your arm?? Me (looking fabulous): not from your curling iron
@BlindChow: Columbus: Do you know why I pulled you over? Me: Well– Columbus: *just yanks me out of my car and drives off in it*
@Manali_Shetye5: Mom: can i borrow your laptop? Me: *deletes history* Me: *logs out of twitter* Me: *closes chrome* Me: *opens internet explorer* Me: sure