I saved time doing yard work by renaming the weeds “plants”
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[jail]
INMATE: so what are ya in for?
BIG BAD WOLF: well I huffed and I puffed and then I got nabbed for possession
INMATE: goddam pigs
if Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you’re a girl who reads books, you will eventually fall in love with a water buffalo
Don’t be so critical of the human race. This is the first time we’ve destroyed a planet.
College graduates look awfully happy for people who’ll never have an entire summer off again.
Your first mistake was leaving your dessert on the table; your second mistake was trusting me not to eat it.
Husband: you’re late
Me: would you believe me if I said it’s because I made a healthy breakfast and then went for a jog
Husband: No
Me: Fine, my pop-tart got stuck in the toaster
[tries to take a selfie]
Phone: NOT ENOUGH SPACE.
[deletes a bunch of photos]
Phone: still tho… don’t.
Them: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Yes.
[First date]
Her: Are you literally WEARING a red flag?
Me: Yes, do you like it? Hey! Come back!
Stallone: I’m making a movie about composers. I’m playing Beethoven.
Van Damme: I’ll be Mozart.
Schwarzenegger: Stop it guys, I’m not saying it.
*God inventing raccoons*
God: Hehe.. this’uns my lil bandit
Dude, u ok?
God: Ima give him a lil mask
Get some sleep
God: He’ll rob stuff lol
If my girl didn’t want me to wear her new Christmas thong, she shouldn’t have said she bought it “for me.”
Women are confusing.
nasa employee: oh hey u guys are back early
astronaut: moon’s haunted
nasa employee: what?
astronaut: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s haunted
*Stands in wood & sets self on fire*
“OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING?”
I want to look hot on tinder.
I hope Obama spends the last 2 years of his term replying to all the tweets we’ve sent him.
The slow disappearance in forks from the silverware drawer solidifies my fears of an upcoming arms race with my children.
Woman: Please send an ambulance, I’m having contradictions!!
Operator: Ma’am, do you mean ‘contractions’?
Woman: Yes! No!
Imagine if every Sunday all your friends decided to only speak in a foreign language. That’s how I feel during football season.
Two days in a row someone has tried using my Apple Card to buy flowers. Buddy, walk over to your neighbors garden and steal some roses like a real man. The world has gone soft.
if you have a weird name and appear in movie’s closing credits, i will find you and i will say you
*goes shopping without makeup and a hair in the messy bun*
“Hi everybody I ever met since 1999”
Pulling my treadmill out of the closet after an 11 month vacation, I’m pretty sure I heard it say “not this again.“
At the restaurant I heard a lady say her taco was too salty. My wife had to leap over the table and cover my mouth before I said something.
I was always told that women can’t have it all but I just ate two everything babies.
I told my wife that she was sounding like her mother and I realized that was a mistake after I regained consciousness.
I made an appointment for laser hair removal then remembered that I don’t have any laser hair.
my boss: due to coronavirus, we will be making all meetings remote
me: [sensing opportunity] what if we didn’t have them at all, to be safe
Them: You’re too pretty to look so sad
Me: Sorry, I’ll try to look more ugly
First time seeing these brilliant print ads for Scrabble today. Published in Ukraine in August 2014 by ad agency Twiga.
I can usually tell how productive I’ve been at work, by the battery life of my phone.