@ElgatoEsmio: I saved time doing yard work by renaming the weeds "plants"
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@nigelgodwin: How do you know when you are too drunk to drive? When you swerve to miss a tree and then realise it was your air freshener..
@iwearaonesie: wife *resting after surgery* me wife me [holding flowers and a Transformers birthday balloon] They didn't have any that said "Get Well Soon"
@david8hughes: The plumber came to fix the toilet & said, "Where is the water main?" so I turned on the tap & said, "Right here, main."