I saved time doing yard work by renaming the weeds “plants”
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Friend: Can I borrow a pen?
Me: Sure!
*looks in purse*
*pulls out perfume, 17 Hershey kisses, a stapler & a baby goat*
Me: Sorry, no pen. 🙁
Me: where did you get those blood soaked tea bags?
Dracula: I had to pull some strings
Why can’t Penguins get Christmas gifts? Cause Penguins and Santa Claus are poles apart
“Oh look, rain! Wait, how do I drive again?” – People
What if Capri Suns became self-aware and started stabbing us back?
I like to leave odd yelp reviews for fast food restaurants that say things like, “Not overly racist.”
Mom, I have a runny nose I don’t need a rectal thermometer.
Plus, I’m 35
* gets mugged *
“Add a tip? | 15% | 20% | 30% |”
What should we call this portable computer?
SOME GUY: Laptop
[everyone applauds…w/ tears in my eyes i crumple a paper that says Kneeputer]
“Oh no… Me think Jane home early.”
“Give me a positive adjective…”
“Splendid.”
“Nice. Now how about a negative adjective?”
“Splendidn’t.”
You can’t tell me there’s anything better than ear plugs, I simply will not hear it
[inventing llamas]
Angel: didn’t you just make those yesterday?
God: that was an alpaca
Angel: what’s the difference?
God: I don’t know
Angel: …
God: nobody knows
A lady asked me where my adopted son came from and I said if she doesn’t know by now where babies come from it’s not my place to tell her
The most productive species of beaver is the Eager.
Beatles were all like “We love women.”
Zeppelin was all like “Bitch, I’m gonna leave you.”
*flashes smile*
*smile calls police*
Suddenly had the urge to lay on the floor and do stomach crunches.
Then I found some bubble wrap and that urge went away.
drew a comic about my origin story
One of the happiest days of my life was when I walked down the aisle.
And saw that Tesco had a 3 for £12 offer on bottles of wine.
On TV no men can tie a necktie but all women can and there’s no backstory to explain it
[to pharmacist getting my pills that make me stop talking about ET]
long day?
“ugh I can’t wait to go home”
know who else wanted to go home
Me: [returning organic fertilizer] I don’t need this shit.
I’m literally typing this from atop a giraffe in Ghana. Her name is Coriander & we love each other.
beyoncé communicating with the dead is what i would call a seyoncé.
Playing dead in the supermarket to avoid having a conversation with someone you know attracts more attention than I anticipated…go figure.
her: tell me something you’ve never told anyone else
me: *whispering* i think the owl people are already among us
her: who?
me: holy shit
Thanks for yelling at me and calling me names on the internet. I have the same opinion as you do now
4: mama, I lost my pet rock. I need it. you HAVE to find it!
me: well, where did you have it last?
4: outside
What rhymes with “Your eyes glisten in the sunset like majestic stars”?
I refuse to lose another rap battle!