My husband keeps insisting we try 69, but I think we should keep the thermostat at 72 degrees this winter.
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I’d kill for a body like that BUT I WILL NOT EXERCISE FOR IT
“My wife is going out to Thanksgiving dinner with her extended family but I’m staying home. It’s not safe.”
“Covid.”
“Toddlers.”
never seen my husband madder than the time i snuck on his facebook and blindly ‘liked’ every single post on the feed for 10 minutes
I’m fearfully awaiting the day my alarm clock becomes self-aware and the snooze button hits me back.
in the movies everyone can hotwire a car in ten seconds meanwhile it takes me twenty minutes to find the gas flap release on a rental
Survivor: The Dryer Edition.
Jeff Probst: The tribe has spoken. Wool sock, it’s time to go.
“No time to explain!” I shout as I douse you in gravy.
Doctors say we need a bedtime ritual. Mine is replaying awkward moments from the day and obsessing on them for maximum sleep interruption.
When my 7yo gets mad at us she goes to her room and scream-sings angsty made up songs and I wonder if this is how Alanis got her start too
Threads is like Adibas trainers or a Bolex watch
6 – Dad, why can’t you give princess Elsa a balloon to hold 🎈
Me – Why?
6 – Because she will “Let It Go” 😂
Me – 😢
“Welcome, Karen, to Pants On Fire!” the game show host says.
“Excited to be here!” I tell him.
The host eyes me. “Are you?”
My forced smile starts to break. Sweat beads drip down my face, and I swallow hard.
“Light up her pants, guys,” the host orders.
The mailman told my husband he banged every woman on the block, except for 1, I told him it had to be Carol next door, she’s really not friendly
My daughter just said The Offspring is classic rock.
I don’t want this one anymore someone come get her.
I’m exactly like Rambo if his bandolier was full of breakfast sandwiches
me (when my escalator is working but the other direction isn’t): God is on my side as always.
me (when my escalator isn’t working but the other direction is): i am the cursed goblin man
Me: Don’t tell me you’ve never thought about having sex with me.
Her: No, I never have….
Me: I asked you not to tell me that.
rom-com idea: Gozilla +1. Godzilla gets invited to a wedding but struggles to convince anyone to go with him
When kids try to guess your age it will either be completely flattering or utterly devastating, but never correct.
I’m going to freeze some of my sperm so that if something goes wrong later in life, I can kill my nemesis with a disgusting icicle.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you like me
Cop: omg shut up I do not
[first day as a vet]
Me: ma’am I’m afraid your horse has some of the worst cancer I’ve ever seen
Her: um this is a camel
Me: a what now??
Nudes are overrated. You should probably just send me a picture of those little plastic swipy things in your wallet.
I went to a singles event once. I didn’t see one slice of Kraft cheese.
I consider that false advertising.
[on my deathbed] everyone’s in here, why are the lights on in the living room?
As a man, I honor Christopher Columbus every day of the year by refusing to ask for directions.
Maine is beautiful and calm.
Stephen King: Hold my balloon.
“I SWEAR I DON’T KNOW WHERE THEY KEEP THE TREATS, PLEASE, I HAVE A FAMILY”
Interviewer: [looking through file] Are you still disruptive at nap time?
Me: Wow, they weren’t kidding about that permanent record thing.
Being eaten by zombies sounds less painful than running away from zombies.