I saw a bald eagle carry away a bunny rabbit today, and I was like, “well, at least somebody gets to be held.”
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There is no favoritism shown with our pets. The dog gets new toys and the cat gets the box they were shipped in.
Would you rather get paid $1,000,000 right now or pay somebody $10 a day to wake you up by punching you in the face?
I’ll take Option B. It keeps you motivated to go out and EARN. That’s the hustler mentality
[feels adventurous]
As a kid: *climbs a tree*
As a teen: *dyes hair*
In my 20s: *backpacks thru Europe*
In my 30s: *tries a new TV show*
Me: I spend a lot of time awake at night, asking myself things like “Why don’t dogs have belly buttons?”
Priest: Ok valid question but not a confession, per se
“SIRI, WHERE’S THE REMOTE?”
—
“SIRI, BRING ME A BEER!”
—
“SIRI, WHERE’S MY DINNER?”
—
Wife: “She’s either deaf, or had sex with you too.”
Parenting styles often relax as you have more kids. For example my 1st born ate only all-natural, organic food. My 2nd eats broken glass.
I have never related to a cat more
The White House released this completely unedited photo of today’s turkey.
The problem of guns in schools would be eliminated if society finally had the courage to outlaw schools.
Earthlings are the most dangerous of all the lings.
I got a final Jeopardy question right and now my pinky won’t stay down when I take a drink
*helps wife get toddler in his high chair*
wife: That’s a new shirt, let’s put a bib on you
me [wearing a bib] This is ridiculous
Academic paper protip:
end your Conclusion section with
“just as the old woman in the forest predicted”
or
“in defiance of the prophecies”
Wife: I’m going to grab some dinner, you want anything?
Me: No thanks, I’m stuffed.
Wife: Ok, I’m going to Taco…
Me: I’ll have 9 tacos.
Went to put some milk in my coffee this morning only to realize my kids drank it all. They leave me no choice.
Baileys it is.
Me: You can’t fire me!
My circus boss: Just get in the cannon
Woah! I can move stuff with my mind. Like, my legs.
Gonna bring a notepad and a fancy pen to my next therapy session cause yessiree two can play that game.
I just said “love you” to my boss when I put the phone down. Who’s got a spare room I can live out of?
I refuse to listen to anyone give commentary on the state of society unless it’s in a Tiktok video filmed inside their car
Last night the Ghosts of Halloween Past, Present and Future visited me and all had the same message: Don’t eat 5 bags of Reese’s Pumpkins again this year.
Marriage 30s: He doesn’t know I burp or fart yet.
Marriage 40s: You should probably sleep in the other room because I had Mexican food for lunch.
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy baseball?
ME: Okay, I’m a pitcher with gills
Hello 911?
Yeah, my wife accidentally fell off a cruise ship 3 months ago
[punches shark on the nose[
shark: that wont stop me
me: are u crying
shark: no its always wet & salty on my face
And in today’s episode of “Why is your toddler crying?”:
It’s “the balloon exploded without asking for permission”
Me: makes the painful yet responsible choice to face the day
Universe: Here’s an actual dead fly in your cup of coffee
Christmas was ruined for me when my dad dressed up like Santa, got stuck in the chimney and his body blocked the real Santa from getting in
[after my murder]
COP: Can u think why anyone would want to kill him?
WIFE: Christ yes *starts Power Point presentation* Make yourself comfy
*gets toy out of packaging, earns engineering degree