@DawnLovesZombie: I saw a chameleon today.......he wasn't very good at being a chameleon.
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@stephenjmolloy: Cop: "We'll catch the guy who murdered your husband." Tina: "My husband was murdered?!" Cop: "Shit! Sorry... I have some bad news..."
@Daddyissues__: Roses are red. Violets are blue. If he's busy on Valentine's Day, the side chic is you.
@ThisOneSayz: Me: I've had this for 3 weeks & I'm still single! HomeDepot Clerk: ma'am, a stud finder is for the beams in your wall Me: that was unclear
@Manda_like_wine: I'm only listening outside the bathroom door to make sure you're not touching the decorative hand towels.