How to play chess:
– Look like you’re thinking for a really long time.
– Move one piece.
– Realize it was a bad choice.
– Flip over the table.
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Always check your candy. I opened a bag of M&Ms and found a bunch of Ws.
I don’t know at what age I started dressing like the upholstery of my grandma’s plastic wrapped furniture, but here we are.
Trying to impress the doctor by telling her I don’t need a prescription to get Xanax.
Rules for being a good neighbor:
1. MIND YOUR OWN GODDAMN BUSINESS
2. Don’t forget rule number one.
For sale: $300 King size mattress & box spring, 6 mo old, Never had sex on it, not even once. IDK ask her.
omg leave her alone
I jokingly asked my mom if I was born with a tail and she started acting all weird like someone who gave birth to a baby with a tail
Deer are just ballerina dogs
instead of a movie based on a book, they should make a movie based on two books, like The Babysitters Fight Club
Treadmills:
The only thing worse than running, is running and going nowhere.
Friendly but loud reminder to NOT FEED STALE DUCKS TO BREAD k
[laser tag]
Instructor: Dude, you’re not gonna run out of ammo
Me [strapping bayonet to the end of gun]: let’s just agree to disagree
#BadThingsToDoOnAPlane Talk about your plans to build explosive devices
*recovering from a broken ankle*
My dogs: Let us protect you by making sure we are under every. single. step.
Being a Jedi isn’t all bad.
I’ve been sitting around in my bathrobe for decades.
Sometimes I lay awake at night and ask myself, why don’t I have a hedgehog?
Me: The brake pads breaked.
Mechanic: Broke.
Me: The broke pads breaked.
I use so many age defying crinkle creams that I don’t have finger prints anymore.
“My safe word was Worcestershire.”
— A ghost
College: Now that you’re making tons of money with your degree, please donate back to us every year
Me: lol
College: lol ikr?
[at my funeral]
boss : you’re LATE
When life gives you chlamydia, make lemon chlamydia?
Want to know how to get that creepy guy to stop texting you “hey beautiful” every morning? Move in together.
Her : You hang up first.
Me : *click*
I’ve never had houseplants before. What kind of toys do they like?
4-year-old: It’s not fair. Boys can have beards but girls can’t.
Me: Well, girls can have babies and boys can’t.
4: Want to trade?
[explaining the plot of my favorite book to my date]
me: so you know how most caterpillars are only a little hungry?
Not all heroes wear capes…
fake deep people on this website will post like “do not spend time explaining yourself to people who are committed to misunderstanding you” because they got in trouble for being on their cell phone at work