Got fired from my job at the candy heart factory. Apparently “You’ll Do” isn’t romantic.
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I’m no kind of intellectual, but my sister-in-law asked if “Edgar Allen Poe wrote the Romeo and Juliet book” and my kids share that family’s genes.
If a bear attacks you, play dead. Ok good, you’re about to feel like this forever
Friend: Be adventurous in the bedroom, girls love that
[Later in bedroom]
Me: You like that? *Lays another bear trap* You like that babe?
I’ve spent the last six months trying to find my Mother-In-Law’s killer, but no one is willing to do it.
If you hold a croissant to your ear like a phone it connects you to the president of France.
Call me old fashioned, but I think any woman that can open the lid of a jar by herself is a witch.
Who even sits in the middle on a sofa? Just buy corners and be done
Husband: I’m taking new herbal supplements which mean I can’t eat chocolate
Me: I’m sorry I don’t understand
H: I can’t eat chocolate
Me: nope you’re making no sense *checks him for fever*
The British sentence that is never complete:
“Excuse me, can I just… thanks”
“Everyone give us money in case something happens and when something happens we’ll call you a liar.”
-insurance
This is an emergency!
*Begs to borrow strangers phone
*starts scrolling through pics
I can tell by the dents & busted tail light on your car you are serious about making this lane change work for you come Hell or high water.
The Police asked me to make a statement so I stripped naked and ran around the precinct shouting, “Save the whales!”
Invention idea:
Written versions of audio books.
So disappointed. Haven’t sold a single one of my “We Welcome Solicitors” signs on Etsy.
Boss: i’m taking off today. if nothing urgent happens you can leave 2 hours early.
me: thanks!
server, 10 mins before I could leave early: hey – hi. *cough. dies*
Me: *brings a package inside*
4yo: What’s is in there? Is it toys?
Me: Just some bras.
4yo: Ugh! Someone keeps sending you bras.
ME: [walking down the street clearly counting with my fingers]
WIFE: you could just-
ME: I’m not paying for another Fitbit, Jenn
Anxiety tip: Next time you cringe over some embarrassing moment you had years ago try to remember other people’s embarrassing moments. You can’t can you? That’s because you’re the only embarrassing human to exist, everyone else is always thinking about how cringey you are.
The inventor of the tampon liked it, so he put a string on it
Got an email from my kid’s teacher that instead of working on her social studies project, she spent the entire class period making a PowerPoint about goats. Apparently, the appropriate response was not, “oh cool, was it any good?”
Why haven’t we tried telling our kids they have to stay 6 feet away from us? Do I have to think of everything?
*gets bitten by radioactive shark
*the remaining half does not gain super powers
Remember: It’s not stalking if you don’t see me.
[making dinner]
Him, annoyed: it’s like you’re not listening to me
Me: *turns on the faucet, starts the dishwasher, pulses the blender* I have no idea what you’re talking about
Friend: Have you ever had an epiphany?
Me: Is it a little chocolate candy?
Friend: No.
Me: Then, no.
God: *reading from clipboard* The snout on the elephant isn’t working so we need to replace it before release.
Angel: One step ahead of you!
God: What did you do?!
Elephant: Quack
Guy next to me is doing a crossword puzzle, so I’m about to start dropping some big words in case he wants to ask me for help
Just waved at my neighbor’s cat in the window. Turns out it was a vase.
Husband: Why is there a bucket on the roof?
6yo: what bucket? An orange bucket? I definitely wasn’t playing with an Orange bucket.
Husband: I never mentioned the color. 🧐And this, kids, is why we don’t talk to the police without a lawyer present 🤣