@PeychoKanev: I saw a clown doing sit-ups. Funny how things work out.
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@shutupmikeginn: An old lady on the bus just tried to set me up with her daughter. Here's everything she knows about me: 1) I don't have a car
@TheHyyyype: [knock on door] JEHOVAH'S WITNESS: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus? ME (hates gossip): no
@daemonic3: [home depot] ME: I think I like this huge decorative rock HER: Boulder ME: Ok [with confidence] I REALLY LOVE THIS HUGE DECORATIVE ROCK
@Brianhopecomedy: "Daddy, do you like princesses?" "Yes." "Why?" "Well usually they have a nice set of ti-" Wife: "Shut it." "I WILL NOT LIE TO MY SON."