I saw a clown doing sit-ups. Funny how things work out.
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A black James Bond? Wouldn’t work. He’d be pulled over every 15 minutes for driving an Aston Martin.
it’s dangerous to go alone, take this
Just found out that “3 Men and a Baby” isn’t a movie about Jesus’s birth.
This is deadly serious:
Talking about corona-virus this morning, Trump said, “We closed it down. We stopped it.”
There were 15 confirmed cases in the US a week ago.
There are 233 today.
There will be *5,000* in a week
TRUMP’S INCOMPETENCE KILLS.
ME: So. You from around here?
HER: Yes. You’re in my bedroom closet.
Sony has a site where you can watch The Interview for $5.99 and I can’t think of a single reason not to trust them with my credit card info.
“You will be visited by three spirits. The first two will be a waste of your time but the third one, holy shit…”
Getting older means talking to less people and complaining about more people.
turns out the ‘kkk’ are not just a group of guys who are very agreeable in their text messages 🙁
I have a job interview tomorrow via Zoom and I’m just crossing my fingers that they won’t make me stand up.
If Michael Jackson wasn’t buried in his Thriller outfit, who will teach the zombies to dance in the upcoming apocalypse.
Bored?
Looking for some action?Call my parents and tell them you heard the price of stamps are going up again.
Me: Those shoes are fresh!
12: Mom. No.
Me: Don’t be whack.
THEM: “Pineapple should never be on pizza! It’s a fruit!”
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] “Well, I have some bad news for you about where tomato sauce comes from, kid.”
My 10 year old neighbour just threw a cup of water over my cat who was sitting on the fence minding his own business n laughed so I threw a basin of water over him from the window and now his dad is at my door going mental but I don’t see the problem, don’t touch my cat
I wear workout clothes to get Burger King breakfast so the drive thru lady thinks I worked out first. Dont be afraid to live your best life.
If I knew I was going to have to homeschool my kids, I would have made sure my husband used a condom.
on a scale of 1 to eating cereal out of a bundt cake pan with a melon baller, how lazy are you about washing dishes on the weekends?
People used to dress as monsters for Halloween. Now they dress as characters from shows you don’t watch.
Newspapers are cool because you can cut out eye holes and spy on people. Try that with an iPad.
I look after you all day, cook all your meals and clean the whole house, but dad builds one lego thing and he’s the hero?
Actually that lego is pretty impressive, and if I’m honest I didn’t clean the whole house
“Ok folks who ordered the macaroni & bees?”
“you mean cheese?”
[waiter struggling to keep bowl covered]
“that does make more sense actually”
It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
I’ve been making my own bread every single day for two weeks now and I finally understand why people always look so miserable in historic photos.
Once while eating bacon I said I was “getting piggy with it” and now I have no friends.
[Home Depot]
Me: Trash bags?
Employee: Size?
M: Don’t know. They’re for my wife.
E: A guess?
M: How many gallons is an average size woman?
[interview at Bass Pro Shops]
So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: *dressed in camouflage* Wait, you can see me?!
verbiage sounds like something you’re not getting enough of in your diet
8-year-old: *puts on new shoes* I’m faster now because they’re red.
Me: Your old shoes were red, too.
8: These are redder.
Co-Worker: Any of you ever smoke a turkey?
Me: No, I always have trouble finding papers big enough to roll it in.