Me: C’mon, baby. Just the tip?
Her: No!
Me: Awww, cmon!
Her: No, you’re paying the whole bill this time.
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Hedgehogs would seem far less adorable if they had more relevant names like ‘Stabbyrabbit’ or ‘Weaponrat’
The hardest part about Halloween dinner is the buttering of the candy corn.
Date a photographer. Then when it doesn’t work out you have new pics for your dating apps.
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
[commercial for kinder eggs]
are you tired of mean eggs
Yeah it’s disrespectful when someone copies your tweet word for word to appear like they wrote it.
But honestly? It almost feels worse when you see someone copied your tweet AND it got no likes or retweets.
Like wait wtf why didn’t their friends like my joke tho? 😤 How rude.
Me: How bout we head over to my place?
Her: Nope
Me: I have a dog…
Her: Get in I’ll drive
That one tiger that got caught by his toe still hasn’t lived it down.
Guy across the road can’t get his truck started. Now he’s rolled up his sleeves. That’s how you start trucks. By rolling up your sleeves.
Seeing cover letters that say things like “since I was 4 it’s always been my dream to work as a staff accountant for your organization” and I’m like ok my goal at 4 was to live in a gingerbread house you’re hired.
Took the batteries out of the smoke detector to use in my remote cause I would rather die in a fire than have to get up & change the channel
Actually, this is my first rodeo. Why is that angry cow trying to kill me?
<guitar riff>
<guitar riff>
<guitar riff>
Singer: Ya-aahh-aaahh-weee-aaaa-oooo-roooo-aaahhYeah, I felt that.
girls are like kittens. they are cute and fun to snuggle but sometimes they get stuck in trees and I don’t know what to do.
While presenting on a work conference call I imagine everyone nude so I don’t feel like the only one.
not hearing back from people right away:
2002 – (two days later) They’re probably busy or out of town. I’ll catch up with them later.
2022 – (ten minutes later) ok clearly we are in a fight I didn’t know about
It’s amazing how little sleep you can survive on, just by eating right, cutting out alcohol & sharing a bedroom with a vengeful poltergeist.
Yesterday I asked my 12-year-old son what other kids at school think about him having 2 dads.
His response: They don’t care but they don’t like how I’m immune to “Yo Mama” jokes.
The doctor said to treat my daughter’s scratch with alcohol, so I kissed it.
Doing United States puzzle with 7 when he tells me that “Alabama should be called Mr. Sippi since it’s next to Mrs. Sippi.”
<enter password>
me
<password is too short>
meonstilts
<password must have at least one special character>
meandbatmanonstilts
I looked out the window to enjoy the beautiful view of our mountains. I then looked over to the left toward the end of our driveway and I see my 10 yo and 8 yo. They were twerking whenever cars came by.
We have to move now.
when dads have a rap battle
The older I get, the more my feet hurt. I guess it’s true… time wounds all heels.
I have a pet termite named Clint.
Clint eats wood…
I’m sorry I’m sorry
Of course I believe you are God’s gift to women.
He gave us periods and painful childbirth. Why not you too?
sensitive skin
the prophecy has been fulfilled
Me: it’s bed time!
My kids: PARKOUR!
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene are really unnecessary.