I saw a fat kid sitting on a seesaw all by himself. I stopped and waited for another kid to fall from the sky. I left disappointed.
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Tall people everywhere want you stop asking them if they play basketball:
“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is really just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, if you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”
2 years later
(Teaching Kid to Ride a Bike)
KID:Dad, I’m scared
ME:It’s okay. The closest tree is a mile away
TREE:*rushes up to kid and clotheslines him*
“We’ve got to stop meeting like this,” I say to the neighbor’s cute golden retriever after climbing the fence to pet him.
I tell my toddler to “ask nicely” and instead of saying please he whispers his demands and I’m not even sure that he’s wrong
Going feral. Y’all need anything?
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
I just swallowed my record player’s needle and nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happe
Never kick a porcupine wearing flip flops. Cause they’re obviously on vacation and why ruin their holiday?
What Did I Just Touch and Why is It Wet!?
A Parenting Story
ME: Please don’t make me do this.
WIFE: We have no choice, we’re behind on the mortgage.
ME: Hey, Kevin, can we borrow $2000?
MY 11-YEAR OLD SON WHO MAKES $40k A MONTH PLAYING DOTA 2: Who’s Kevin?
ME: (sigh) Hey, DongKnocker420Yeeeeet, can we borrow $2000?
You should trust your gut but you should not listen to your anxiety. Good luck
Looking for a man who wants to wear matching Cheetos pants with me. No weirdos.
Ghost haunting my house: Okay, I’m just going to clean up your TINY, SHITTY, Apartment while you’re gone because I can’t not-live like this!
I’m still angry about those Oreo Thins. I’m here waiting for TripleStuf and QuadrupleStuf and they’re all “we went the other way with it.”
(Watching him change a flat tire)
Him: Grab the jack. We’re gonna need it
Me: We sure will
(Hands him the bottle)
Him: The CAR jack
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Always stay informed about what drug is cool. You don’t wanna be a nerd parent.
Wife: Where’s your dad?
Son: He’s sunbathing in Nepal.
Wife: He’s what?
Son: Himalayan out.
This lady here in Walmart has completely given up on her kids for Lent apparently.
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [decides to vacuum house]
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
boss: what is the problem
coworker: [pointing to me] that guy stole my thesaurus
me: he peddles falsehoods
Got my inhaler mixed up with my psychedelic frog and went on one hell of a wheezy ride.
Give a man a fish… and well, shit gets weird.
Forget ‘a jury of my peers’ I want to be judged by a talking horse
the year is 2042. a man is fired for doing “the robot” in a mixed crowd of humans and androids at the company xmas party.
Accidentally sent a guy a 😉 instead of a :), now one of us is probably pregnant.
KIDNAPPER: all of my demands are on the table
POLICE CAT: for now
Instead of saying “I lost 35 pounds”,
say, “I lost half a super-model”