@HousewifeOfHell: My daughter told me I'm "slightly prettier than Ben Franklin," so I have that going for me.

@mlinhart: LIFE HACK: If ur phone gets wet, try putting it in a bag of dry rice. At night, rice will attract Asians who will fix ur electronics for you

@Black__Elvis: Bad news: you're unable to get pregnant. Oh no! Is it my uterus, doctor? No, your eHarmony profile says you've seen Star Wars 13 times.

@tastefactory: PARENTS: your teen may be worshipping Satan. Look for these terms: LOL - Lucifer Our Lord BRB - Burn Religious Books TBH - Tell Beelzebub Hi

@MissBamantha: Grandpa Joe's all, I'm gonna just stay in bed for twenty years. Wait, a CHOCOLATE FACTORY? jkjk I can walk! He's my kinda people.