@Juicedballs: My wife dared me to yell out "HURRY UP HAYDEN" at Disney World. Now we have 27 blonde boys & 8 girls following us like Children of the Corn.

@Elizasoul80: Person I tried to rob describing me to the police: "long hair, wearing pajamas, honestly she didn't seem very committed to it."

@RajatSaysItAll: "There are 2 seats. Which one do you want?" "Right one for me." "And you?" "Am I left with any choice?"

@stephenjmolloy: Mugger: Give me your wallet and... is that a Rolex? Me: It's a fake. Mugger: What about her diamond ring. Is that fake? Me: *nervously look at my wife* No, no. That's 100% real...

@daemonic3: In a dog eat dog world, the chocolate lab is the most delicious, yet poisonous of all breeds.