I saw a guy that had a knife on his belt tonight and I thought, “now there’s a guy that’s really prepared to slice some cake”
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Looks like the concierge is hitting on my wife again but who cares, this cherry danish I’m eating right now is on point nom nom nom!
Anytime someone loses something in the office HR doesn’t ask if anyone’s seen it, they just send out an email that says “Give it back Josh”
ME: This is my newborn, straight from the hospital.
OTHER PARENT: You’re parenting wrong.
Say what you will about Elon’s management style, but before he took over all you guys posted was “ugh another day on this hell site” and now you’re all like “ah twitter the extraordinary place where I met all my best friends, started my career, had sex for the first time”
My daughter, a hair stylist, has a tiny pair of scissors tattooed behind her ear with tiny red teardrops for clients she accidently stabbed.
[Art Museum]
Date: I like a man who makes things exciting, but I also like to be the center of attention.
Me: *Thinking quickly* SECURITY! SHE’S GONNA STEAL THIS PAINTING
“so, have you ever done a job interview over the phone before?”
[over vigorous peeing] no, this will be a first
A spider just tried to crawl across my hand and now how do you extract a fork from bone without causing more damage?
Winner of the first annual socially distancing award goes to…
Hey Mexican food restaurant waiter, if the basket is empty you don’t have to ask. YES I WANT MORE CHIPS!
I think when you get your photo taken for your driver’s license they should squirt you in the face with a water gun. Then your picture will have that annoyed and upset look to match when the cop pulls you over
Me: Would you remarry if I died?
Wife: Yes.
Me: What?!? Would you at least WAIT awhile?
Wife: Depends. Are you dead because I killed you?
An old white man in a beard bestowing gifts from the sky? Please.
[first day as a judge]
ME: *bangs gavel* order! order!
GUY: *lowers menu* take it easy buddy what’s with the robe
Me: *Getting dressed*
Husband: *throws pants on floor beside hamper* “Where are you going?”
Me: “Jail.”
if you knew my origin story, you’d stop asking what’s wrong with me, and start asking if i want crayons with my placemat.
Either you die or it’s a good trampoline. There’s no in-between.
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
my coworker told me she caught a cold from me that i faked
Let one kid cut the cookie and let the other kid choose their half. That way, if they fight about it, one kid already has a knife
Just removed my bra, whipped it around my head, and tried to toss it away, but a hook got caught in my hair. Available for bachelor parties.
WIFE: so what do you want for christmas?
ME: [thinking about a bed made out of lasagna and instead of kicking off the sheets at night i eat a layer of noodles] oh probably some tools
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
It doesn’t matter if you’re filming a segment for TV or not, if you’re hanging out with Tom Cruise, at some point you’re jumping out of a plane
Me: “What’s your favorite shoe brand?”
Person: “Converse.”
Me: “We’re already talking.”
Sometimes you just need to dance naked in the kitchen. The manager at this Burger King seems to feel differently though.
Horror Movie Protagonist – *uses dead person’s grimy-blood-covered-severed hand to unlock the fingerprint lock on their phone to call for help*
Me – *can’t get the fingerprint lock on my phone to recognize my recently-washed-clean finger when I forget my password again*
I always wanted to be just like Flo Rida. That’s why I changed my name to “New Ham Sure”
Wash your hands like you got a club stamp you don’t want Mom to see