I saw a lady at the gym on the exercise bike, wearing a helmet. So I put on a life jacket and got on the treadmill next to her.
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Never read To Kill a Mockingbird. Is that the one where Katniss admits she loves Peta?
Son got a RC drone for Christmas. Used it twice and never touched it again. I’ve become a bit of an expert on it chasing the neighbour’s cat out the garden when he comes for a dump. I can get the drone on and out the window in thirty seconds and chase him across six gardens.
“just get thru the 1st day without them finding out youre an elephant”
IT dude: “ok here’s your new mouse”
[just fkn destroys the place]
Interviewer: what interests you about this job?
Me: the pay
Interviewer: can you be more specific?
Me: cash
Mary has her cakes…
Sandra has her cookies…
Wife: “If I die first, I want you to remarry.”
Me: “Wow. Do you really hate me that much?”
road expansion addicts be like “just one more lane bro i promise traffic will be fixed, just one more i can stop whenever”
why count sheep when I can count my troubles
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind
I love the compliments my boss gives like “wow you’re on time today” and “great job ignoring dress code again”.
men are simple creatures
Blowing your load on a girl counts as a baby shower right ?
Heard my mom tell my dad to “stop tossing her salad” at the dinner table and now I can’t look at either one of them without laughing…
HER: I’ll only agree to do nudity if it’s done tastefully
PRIEST: And I understand the groom has also written his own vows
it’s so funny when a horse is shredded like a bodybuilder. like goddamn dude you wanna be a car so bad
I am yelling
[right before the quest for the holy grail]
king arthur: alright, WHO BROKE MY FAVORITE CUP?
I love the smell of my shampoo. Except when it’s coming from my suitcase.
Remember folks, the more you decorate for the holidays, the more flammable your house & property. Happy Holidays!!
why are they building a Whole Foods over here? we’re regular people, we need Quarter Foods
Our sport needs a name
“Does it use a ball?”
No it’s more of an oblon–
“Do u move it with ur foot?”
No it’s mostly thro–
“Football”
Perfect!
Dating Couple, finishing each other’s sentences: We’re so perfect for each other
Married Couple, finishing each other’s sentences: WILL YOU LET ME FINISH??!!
Me: …
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: …
Me: ..
Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: ..
Me: ..
Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: …
(Women, take note *ahem* Man’s best friend)
*wakes up, peers outside*
*closes dumpster lid and goes back to bed*
My teenaged daughter just asked me how to spell U2.
Fingers crossed for that athletic scholarship.
My son just started telling me about a new Pokémon character. Talk to you guys on Monday.
[boarding plane]
ME: Shotgun!
COPILOT: Can he do that?
PILOT: Looks like you’re in economy today, Ted.
COPILOT: *clenching fists* Damnit.
wife: you’re drunk
me: I’m not the one who’s all blurry Carol
I assume when I get put on hold after I call customer service it’s because 2 guys are flipping a coin to see who pretends to be the manager.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is problematic
me: then maybe give me a different word