I saw a lady at the gym on the exercise bike, wearing a helmet. So I put on a life jacket and got on the treadmill next to her.
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Me: The floor is lava!
Satan: Yes! We just had it redone. It used to be legos. Nice, right?
You don’t want to be on any project or mission with a checklist that includes “backup underwear”.
“Women & Children first” i yell heroically from the Dentist’s waiting room
If you aggressively tailgate me in traffic, I will get over and let you pass. And then I’m gonna become your new best friend until one of us exits.
My only real argument for having multiple children is that the older one will eventually be able to help the younger one with Common Core math.
Family dinner. I was halfway through my 2nd egg roll before I realized everyone else at the table had been praying for the last 7 minutes.
I took two days of first aid and now I’m really wondering why it takes doctors 4+ years to learn all this!
My superpower- Finding shortest checkout line that takes the most time.
Girls, if you’re gonna shave your eyebrows off just to draw them on again, at least make them interesting. How about drawing two umbrellas?
tattoo artist: but what if they change prices?
me: just draw it
[later watching TV]
commercial: the taco bell 5 dollar box is now just 4 bucks!
me: motherf
interview tip #86
be honest when asked about yourself
[later]
interviewer: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
I think I’m getting close to the age where sales people, internet and telemarketers think they can take advantage of you.
I can’t wait.
Mom, you’re embarrassing me in front of the hostages!
For a tiny person unable to wipe herself after she poops, my toddler has managed to hit me dead in the eyeball with 4 things today.
On my first day of lifeguard duty two people drowned but I won two games of Words with Friends so it was kind of a wash.
Welcome to your fifties, you take the elevator instead of the stairs now and you still pull a muscle.
#DidYouKnow?
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said, “son you know one card would have been enough” . 😂🤣
Dating life- Finds rose petals on the ground when I wake up
Married life- Finds my husband’s toenails on the ground when I wake up
Sir. Your burrito is $5.97. With guacamole, your total comes to $386,932.32
tv: low volume
tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds
tv: low volume
tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds
[when I watch tv & eat chips]
I can’t wait for the next Oscars dead-person montage when all the celebs Joan Rivers insulted have to applaud her.
The people in charge of hell sometimes visit North Korea just to exchange ideas.
Yes, autocorrect, I wanted to ask if she was all tight. Thank you. Now I know.
nfts were less about the money and more about the friends you scammed along the way.
Got my inhaler mixed up with my psychedelic frog and went on one hell of a wheezy ride.
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: gimme a scotch on the rocks
Me [scrunching towel into glass]: I know lemonade, I can do lemonade
Parents yelling “I’m not going to ask you again” at their kids, will definitely be asking them again
I wish I’d gotten my affairs in order before I bit into this hot pepper.
Type out “My best quality is” and then let predictive text finish it! I’ll start
“My best quality is I am a worthy vessel for the demon lord Paimon who will bring about a new age of darkness. All will suffer his wrath and despair” haha so random
me: omg I cannot WAIT for summer
also me: omg I’m soooo hot I am DYING